Reviews and Ramblings

Nymphomaniac - So in my post about movie trilogies I mentioned that I really wanted to check out the Europa and the Golden Heart film trilogies from director Lars Von Trier as each series had movies that were nominated or won prizes at Cannes. Although I purchased all the films from the Golden Heart trilogy, I stupidly bought the Spanish version of The Idiots thinking it would still have English subtitles... wrong, so I have not yet finished either of his well regarded trilogies. I have however completed his most recent trilogy of films known as his Depression trilogy, so named because he made them after a multi-year break in his career when he semi-retired due to severe depression. Not surprisingly the films take he made after this period are significantly darker in tone than his earlier movies. The depression trilogy is made up of Antichrist, Melancholia and Nymphomaniac. I have reviewed the first two films in the series before on this blog, reposted below, and thanks to a drunk purchase I am able to review the final movie, a 2-parter!, in the series.

I'm not really sure how to review Nymphomaniac. I thought about splitting the review up for the 2 volumes, or the 8 sections in the film, but honestly I remember so little of the actual plot that I can't do that. This film has no real interesting or memorable plot, but really just consists of a bunch of weird things LVG thought up to weird people out. The scenes in the present where the narrator talks to Stellan Skarsgard about her life are the most infuriating as Stellan's over-educated character constantly relates her stories to seemingly random objects in the room. The movie is about a character who is obsessed with sex, but it has to be the least sexy movie I have ever seen. While the plot is not too memorable, there are many specific scenes that for better or worse will stick with you. The little girl enjoying the bathroom floor, Christian Slater's father character describing his love for ash trees, and Shia Labeauf's fondness for the Fibonacci sequence 3-5 spring to mind in the first part. Side note, apparently Shia wanted to be cast in this film so badly that he sent a film of himself and his girlfriend having sex to LVG, wonder what the girlfriend thought about that, or whatever happened to the video. This film must take place in a different reality than our own as I refuse to believe anyone values a bag of candy as much as 2 characters in this film. While volume one is quite flawed, it does at least resemble a movie, the second volume is just total trash. It's too bad that the guy found some college prude instead of the lead character in this film, I feel he would have enjoyed him self more with Joe than a crappy Bella knockoff. The 4 hour long film ends with a scene that would make R Kelly proud. Not the worst film I've ever seen, but I struggle to come up with anyone I would actually recommend it to. After watching this film you will never want to hear the words Duck or Silent used in the same sentence ever again. 6/10

Below are reviews I have made for the other 2 films in the trilogy... the 4 in front of Antichrist indicates that it is the 4th most disturbing film I have ever watched... still gives me nightmares

4. Antichrist- Danish director Lars Von Trier is probably the most acclaimed director working today so I knew I had to eventually check out his film's; I dare say I chose the wrong film to get started with. Antichrist was LVT's first film after a multi-year absence from directing due to severe depression, and it shows. In the opening scene a couple has passionate sex completely unaware that their child has escaped from his crib eventually falling out a window to his death. After the tragedy the husband, a trained psychotherapist, takes his wife to a cabin in the woods to try to treat her depression and guilt. Having your child die while you have sex is bound to mess with your sex life, but I was not expecting this. Obviously the film leads into sadomasochism and then even worse genital mutilation. If you watch just one film wherein Willem Defoe gets hit in the balls with a log and then ejaculates blood, I suggest you make it this one. 

Note: Apparently body doubles were used for the sexually graphic scenes, so you readers with the Willem fetish may have to look elsewhere.

Melancholia- I decided to give Lars Von Trier a second try after a bad experience with the disturbing Antichrist, and I'm glad I did. The film is about a depressed woman staying with her sisters family when the earth is about to be hit by another planet. LVP got the idea for this film when he heard that people with depression remain calm in intense situations because they always expect the worst. Kirsten Dunst had a depression spell a year or so prior to filming and pulls off probably her best performance as the depressed sister, good casting. Likewise, Charlotte Gainsbourg is a very talented actress and is fun to watch, that is when she's not cutting off her clit with a dirty pair of scissors. The film was very original, very interesting and had great visuals 8/10
Bonus: Kirsten Dunst's big old boobies are shown in this film. Who knew that the girl from Jumanji would grow up to have such large chest beefers???

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Flash Gordon - Pure 80s Cheese of the Highest order! If you do not understand the concept of camp or hated the 80s then this is not the film for you. Flash Gordon is truly one of the most ridiculous movies I have ever seen. This film should be studied by future generations who would like to know what america was like in the 1980s. Here is an actual line of dialogue from the film, "I don't want to go to a moon, I want to go rescue my friends and save Earth!". The plot concerns the quarterback of the NY Jets being kidnapped by a scientist to venture in a rocket to the far reaches of the universe to confront a dictator who is destroying Earth because he's bored. It actually features Flash Gordon throwing football shaped objects and making football type runs in order to beat up the supposedly powerful dictators armed guards, 1 min mark of the video below. I think my favorite thing about this film is how everyone just goes with the flow. The most outlandish things happen to the characters and they just seem to accept them no questions asked. The sets are awesome in this flick, but I think the best part is the awful awful acting. It might sound strange, but I believe this movie would have been hurt by hiring more experienced/better actors as those snobs would most likely would be unwilling to embrace the inherent goofiness of the film. One thing that I was very disappointed about with this film was the soundtrack. I had always heard that Queen made the soundtrack and was aware of the song Flash so I had high expectations. Unfortunately to call it a soundtrack is a little deceiving as there is in fact only the one song which they stretched out across the entire film. Don't get me wrong I like the song, I was just hoping for more. I think of Flash Gordon as an 80s style Barbarella, with interesting set designs and clothes and an absolutely absurdly cheesy plot. I believe that the supporting role of Prince Baron in this film must certainly be the part which got Timothy Dalton the job as Bond. Flash Gordon is well deserving of its cult status and is a great view if you are in the mood for mindless fun. 7.2/10

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Thoughts on Sequels: While I am not against sequels, after all my all time favorite movie is a sequel and I wrote a post about my favorite movie trilogies, I do believe that the sequels must have a purpose. If there is no intriguing reason to continue the story arc from the earlier films then the films are doomed to be terrible. I understand that Hollywood is about making money, however a film making a boatload of cash is not a sufficient reason for a sequel. Sadly movie goers refuse to demand higher quality from sequels and continue to show up in droves. Unsurprisingly the public gets sequels of worse and worse quality, think Hangover 2 and 3. Stupid movie audience get what they deserve. A ridiculous trend which has been hot in Hollywood lately is making sequels to movies and absurd amount of time after the series had stopped with a prayer that nostalgia for the films up to decades ago will lead to box office success. Typically this dumb idea results in failure, think Dumb and Dumber. Below are my thought on a few of these "long awaited" sequels which have been confirmed recently. Fingers crossed that the new TV show Ash vs The Evil Dead is good, even though it is staring Bruce Campbell and produced by Sam Raimi, it has been, gulp, 22 years since Army of Darkness was released.

Rush Hour 4 - The line that spawned 4 movies. I can just picture how this got greenlit, Chris Tucker- "Do you understand the wordsss that are comin outta my mouth?", Movie Producer- "Brilliant! Still funny, wheel out Jackie Chan, let make a 4th!"

Shanghai Knights - Jackie Chan is famous for doing his own stunts and has sustained many serious injuries over his career. The martial arts master is also now 61, how can he possibly still star in action movies? Also Owen Wilson is completely washed up. I think what most surprised me about this announcement wasn't that they were making a 3rd in this series, it's that the first two actually have positive scores of Rotten Tomatoes. Who seriously watches these films?

Bad Boys III - Thanks to After Earth Will Smith's star power has fallen enough that they can afford to pay his wages and make the long awaited 3rd installment to this 20 year old franchise. This might honestly be the first non Big Mama role for Martin Lawrence since Bad Boys II. Other than Nick Frost's character in Hot Fuzz, I don't know anyone who actually likes these films.

Speaking of Hot Fuzz, Slee you ever gonna give me back my DVD you jerk?!