Thursday, November 15, 2012

Bond 50

I will admit that as an unpopular friendless middle schooler/ high schooler I spent many a Christmas break watching Bond marathons and developed quit an affinity for the spy series. In honor of this classic franchise turning 50 here are my 3 favorite films with the english don juan

Best Bond- Sean Connery hands down

3. Goldeneye- Some may say that the best thing about this movie is the video game that it spawned, and while they certainly wouldn't be wrong, one should not discount the fact that this was a legit piece of entertaining cinema. Pierce Bronsnan's debut transports Bond into the modern age of cyber wars. Brosnan is not my favorite Bond, see above, but he def has a lot of charisma and helps carry this film. Sean Bean is a very underrated and underutilized actor in Hollywood; he plays former double 0 agent Alex Trevelyan who is a worthy adversary for Bond. While not as over the top cheesy as the Roger Moore era, Goldeneye definitely includes some over the top action sequences, most notably Bond driving a tank through the streets of St. Petersburg.
Rating: 8/10

2. Dr. No- Produced 50 years ago, this is the film that started it all. The scene where Bond is first introduced is one of the most iconic in all of cinama, does the quote "Bond, James Bond" ring a bell? Sean Connery's Bond is more vicious here than in later installments as evidenced by Bond toying with the professor before killing him. The plot is rather confusing, how does sending radio signals to disrupt the US Mercury space missions lead to world domination, and it includes many cheesy elements such as Dr. No's metal hands and a Jamaican native afraid of dragons. Nevertheless Dr. No is a very good introduction to one of the best characters and best francheses in film history. The final confrontation is a little anticlimactic, but Ursala Andress more than makes up for any disappointment caused by how easily Dr. No was defeated.
Rating: 8.5/10

Here is the clip voted the the #1 "Greatest Sexy Moment" by Channel 4:


1. Goldfinger- The quintessential Bond film. While it might not have been the first Bond film, it was the first film to include many elements that would became mainstays in the series including a memorable henchman, high tech gadgets and an original song for the opening credits. Includes one of the most memorable scenes and quotes in any Bond film in which Bond is tied to a bench with a laser slowly moving up between his legs. Auric Goldfinger is one of the best Bond villains, Oddjob is THE best Bond henchman, and this is the Best Bond film.
Rating: 9/10

Here is EASILY the greatest Bond Song of all time


And here is the Greatest Bond Quote of all time:

Bonus: My top 3 film choices also include the top 3 best Bond Girl names of all time, Xenia Onatopp,
Honey Rider and Pussy Galore respectively.

Honorable Mentions:

A View to a Kill- Sure Roger Moore at 58 was WAY too old to play a believable superspy, but who cares. Moore's Bond films weren't about having a believable plot, they were about good old fashioned cheese. With a Nazi steroid using super genius portrayed by Christopher Walken this film certainly does not fail to deliver the cheese. MayDay, a pajama wearing Amazon woman, is one of the more memorable henchmen in the series. The final showdown on top of the GoldenGate bridge pretty much sums up the Moore Years.
Bonus: The Bond Girl is Donna's mom in that 70's show 7/10

Johnny English Reborn- For some reason I watched this ridiculously unnecessary sequel to another boring Bond parody and have to say the only redeemable thing about the whole film is that McNulty from The Wire uses his real English accent. But def check it out!!! 4/10

You Only Move Twice- Simpson's episode that sort of parodies the Bond Series. Hank Scorpio is def the best super villain of all time. One of the best Simpsons episodes. 9.5/10


Bonus Review:
Elephant- If you really like the Columbine shooting, and simply can't get enough of watching teenagers die, then this is the film for you. This film won the Palm d'Or in 2003 which is why I decided to check it out. Although it is well made with an interesting style and original camera work, I'm not sure it's worthy of the biggest movie prize in the world. I recently watched a documentary about Bill Hicks and one of the murderers looks exactly like a young Bill. The entire time I could not help but wonder why one of the greatest comics of all time wanted to kill all those students, it was very confusing. Also, are there really that many bulimic girls in high school? I always thought that was overblown, and the inclusion of it in this film just lessened the reality of the situation for me. This film is like Ali: Fear Eats the Soul, while it is well made, I certainly can't suggest it to any readers unless they have a strange interest in the subject matter.
Rating: 8/10

Friday, November 9, 2012

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

There has been a lot of big movie news recently, here are three of the biggest stories:

The Good- Top Gun 2 put on Hold
While it is a shame that Tony Scott committed suicide after learning he had an incurable brain tumor, there might be a silver lining the the story wherein his planned sequel to Top Gun might not be made. The original Top Gun, while awesomely cheesy, was made 26 years ago. Is it really necessary to check in on our favorite homoerotic volleyball player after all this time? Of course not, and thankfully it appears that we won't have to. Honestly who wants to see a movie about someone controlling a predator drone and killing a bunch of innocent women, children or American citizens? Please Please Please don't let this garbage get made!!

Here is a link to a story about Top Gun 2:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/07/movies/tony-scotts-suicide-complicates-top-gun-3d-project.html?_r=0&_r=true

The Bad- Disney buys Lucas Films
Star Wars is a kids franchise and you know it. If you read this blog I know you are not a kid, so any news about Star Wars should automatically be bad news. The fact that Satan's Spawn aka Disney, bought all of George Lucas' intellectual property, including the Star Wars and Indiana Jones franschises, is the worst movie news in quite some time. With a purchase price of over $4 billion you know that Disney isn't just going sit on the rights by only making money off of reissuing the films in 3D. Nope Disney has already penciled in a Summer 2015 slot for Star Wars Episode 7. Apparently George Lucas already has 6 Star Wars sequels written, this combined with the insane number of books in the Star Wars universe means that The Force will be jammed down the throats of many future generations of movie goers. At least Assface Spielberg has ruled out directing any of the movies.

Here is a link to an article about "Dream Directors" for the Star Wars sequels that may make this story worse than the movie industry apocalypse that it appears to be:
http://www.hitfix.com/news/10-dream-directors-to-replace-george-lucas-on-star-wars-episode-7

The Ugly- Warner Bros. has a script for Casablanca 2
The author of the article tries to justify this not being the worst idea of all time because it was written by one screenwriters of the original. I don't care if Bogie and Bergman are resurrected from the dead this is still a TERRIBLE idea. Honestly who the fuck has the balls to step into the role of Rick Blaine, one of the most iconic film characters of all time. Here is some of the description of the dreadful sounding plot


"[Laszlo and Ilsa] attempt to locate Rick after he and Renault left to join the Free French forces opposing Rommel in North Africa. They have had no success.
After leaving Casablanca for America, Ilsa learned she was pregnant. She gave birth to a boy who grew up in America. The real father of the boy, it turns out, was not Laszlo but Rick."


Casablanca is one of the greatest films of all time and was made 70 years ago, LEAVE IT ALONE. This is a million times more unnecessary than even the Top Gun sequel. Can't Hollywood come up with Any original ideas anymore???

Here is a link to a story about Casablanca 2:
http://movies.yahoo.com/news/talkback-whos-down-casablanca-2-223134819.html

BONUS Awful Movie News:

They're considering Spinoff movies or television shows for Twilight
http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/twilight-cast-creators-hint-spinoff-183347657.html

Ashley Judd considering running for the Senate, not exactly movie news but awful news nonetheless
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/ashley-judd-future-senator-171816732--election.html

Michael Bay is replacing douchey Shia LaBouf with douchey Mark Wahlberg for the next Brainmelting Transformers movie
http://india.nydailynews.com/newsarticle/12459dcfb881837ca2cc9dcc5615d235/mark-wahlberg-to-star-in-next-transformers-movie


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Cost Saving Tip

For those of you want to be film makers here is an old Hollywood cost saving tip:

If you are making a zombie film, instead of spending all that money on expensive extras, simply film your movie outside a polling place on election day. Rumor has it that's how George A Romero filmed the original Night of the Living Dead, no wonder its so horrifying!!!




Thursday, November 1, 2012

Top 10 Most Disturbing Films

I decided to make this list in honor of Halloween having just passed. I realize it is not too extensive as I have not seen every movie ever made, however this is the ranking of the top 10 most disturbing films I have seen. Since these are disturbing films I decided to forgo my usual practice of supplying clips from the films. Also, I did not include any Documentaries because the real world is a million times more disturbing than anything some pothead Hollywood screen writer can come up with.

10. Eraserhead- If the idea of bringing a child into this fucked up world isn't already disturbing enough to you, then watch this debut film by David Lynch. Set in a industrial wasteland, the main character is left by his girlfriend and given their deformed child to raise. The film includes many surreal and disturbing images that would later become a trademark for Lynch. 
Bonus Knowledge: Do to financial issues Eraserhead took 5 years to film, so the main actor had to have his character's awful haircut the entire time

9. A Clockwork Orange- While the rape and murder scenes are certainly not for the faint of heart, they are not why A Clockwork Orange is on this list. No, the reason ACO is on this list is the Ludoviko treatment. In the film the main protagonist, Alex, is the leader of a gang of murderers and rapists. After getting caught and convicted of murder he is sent to prison. Instead of serving his full term Alex decides to become a patient in a new procedure that is supposed to "cure" criminals of their bad behavior. The Ludoviko treatment includes viewing a series of movie clips combined with drugs. After the treatment is over Alex is unable to think about criminal acts without becoming physically sick. It is this idea that the government can control your thoughts that makes A Clockwork Orange such a disturbing film. Of course with the fluoridation of the water supply, forced  institutionalization of any citizens the government deems "crazy", and the insane over prescription of adderall to children sort of makes the Ludoviko treatment unnecessary. 

8. Requiem for a Dream- In the words of Mr. Mackey, "Drugs are Bad Mmmkay." Too bad the characters in this film did not listen to the South Park elementary school counselor, it would have saved them from a lot of bad times. The film begins very optimistically, a budding new romance, profitable drug business and the mom thinks shes gonna appear on a tv show. Unfortunately the drug business turns bad, the lovers become addicted to heroin and the mother becomes addicted to diet pills aka amphetamine in order to lose weight for her tv appearance. The film ends with the four main characters in different yet equally depressing situations. The mother is committed to a Psych ward. The partner is withdrawaling from heroin around racist prison guards. The girlfriend has become a prostitute in order to obtain drugs, anyone who has seen this film will always remember the line "Ass to Ass". The main character has his arm cut off due to continually shoot up into an infected wound. A very well made but extremely depressing film.

7. Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom- After hearing that the director was murdered, apparently because he made this film, I of course knew I would eventually end up watching it. The film revolves around a group of fascist libertines in 1944 Italy who kidnap a group of teenage boys and girls and forces them to do gross sex acts. The film is apparently supposed to prove the saying, "absolute power corrupts absolutely", but in reality is just gross. The film includes lots of naked young people being lead around with leashes and doing gross, mostly homosexual, sex acts. It also includes an infamous scene wherein they have an extravagant dinner party in which they only serve shit. The movie concludes with the fascists brutally murdering the teenagers. When first released this film was met with public outrage, but has since received much acclaim. I'm not sure what modern critics seen in this film, I personally thought i had zero artistic merit and was literally a piece of shit.

6. Martyrs/Inside- Examples of the New French Extremity movement. Both of these films are absolutely relentless in their constant depiction of gore. The first film Martyrs is about a group that seeks to discover the secret of the afterlife through creating martyrs. In order to create martyrs they imprison women and then relentlessly torture them including beatings, cuttings and eventually flayed alive. Inside is about a pregnant woman who is confronted/stalked by a mysterious stranger who very much would like to get a hold of her baby. If you are afraid of needles or hate seeing people stabbed with various objects then avoid this film. If however you enjoy non stop stabbings and would love to see a C-section performed by a non medical specialist this is the film for you. Needless to say, I probably won't be watching any other films from the New French Extremity movement.

5. Last House on the Left- One of the most famous exploitation films of all time. Essentially a remake of the Bergman film The Virgin Spring, only relocated from the middle ages to 1970s America. As hard as it is to believe I actually prefer this film to Bergman's original. The story is about two teenage girls who are kidnapped by a  petty criminals and then physically/psychologically tortured and killed. Like the original, the killers then mistakenly go to the home of one of the victims parents seeking a place to stay for the night. The film then focuses on the parents revenge against the killers. One of the most brutal films ever made, the graphic tortures and murders certainly will stick with you.
Bonus Knowledge: Had one of the most famous taglines of all time-- 
To avoid fainting, keep repeating: "It's only a movie, only a movie, only a movie..."

4. Antichrist- Danish director Lars Von Trier is probably the most acclaimed director working today so I knew I had to eventually check out his film's; I dare say I chose the wrong film to get started with. Antichrist was LVT's first film after a multi-year absence from directing due to severe depression, and it shows. In the opening scene a couple has passionate sex completely unaware that their child has escaped from his crib eventually falling out a window to his death. After the tragedy the husband, a trained psychotherapist, takes his wife to a cabin in the woods to try to treat her depression and guilt. Having your child die while you have sex is bound to mess with your sex life, but I was not expecting this. Obviously the film leads into sadomasochism and then even worse genital mutilation. If you watch just one film wherein Willem Defoe gets hit in the balls with a log and then ejaculates blood, I suggest you make it this one.
Note: Apparently body doubles were used for the sexually graphic scenes, so you readers with the Willem fetish may have to look elsewhere.


3. Isla She Wolf of the SS- So the story goes that I watched a documentary on Netflix about grindhouse/exploitation movies of the 70s and decided to check some out. This was one of the most infamous films from that era so I decided to ask for it for Xmas. Well on Xmas my brother decides to tell my parents how hard it was to find this film because they aren't allowed to sell the film in the US and thus he had to have it shipped from South Korea. If that weren't bad enough my brother decides to watch the film on Xmas, and then proceed to tell my entire family how mentally disturbed he thinks I must be.

The plot of the film is about a man hating female Nazi storm trooper who conducts experiments on prisoners in order to prove that women are more capable of enduring pain than are men. Yes that is seriously the plot. The film begins with Ilsa chopping a prisoners dick off and then torturing him while he bleed to death. The film just gets more disturbing from there. I used to jokingly put this on at my house when I got home from a night of drinking. After a while a roommate stole it and threw it away. Probably for the best.

2. Ken Park- By the famous creative team of director Larry Clark and writer Harmony Korine, you might know these two from their film Kids, Ken Park is another one of those films that was surprisingly never released in the US. This "film" begins with the titular character skateboarding to a park, setting up a camera, smiling into said camera and then blowing his brains out. In typical Larry Clark fashion the movie is more focused on filming teenage boys shirtless than plot or artistic merit. The film is literally a porno without the good acting and interesting plot most pornos are known for. The fact that I have seen every Larry Clark film is truly embarrassing.
Here are some of the things that occur in this film:
  • Teenage Boy has sex with girlfriends mom
  • Autoerotic Asphyxiation 
  • Boys dad tries to drunkenly give his son a blowjob
  • Girl is forced to marry her dad
  • Boy stabs his grandparents to death
  • Big orgy at the end

1. Cannibal Holocaust- Cannibal Holocaust follows an anthropologist who goes to the amazon jungle in search of a documentary crew that planned to film cannibalistic tribes but never returned. The professor learns that the tribes killed the film crew and is able to recover their documentary footage. The film then transitions to the professor and the production company watching the footage and discovering why the crew was killed. The footage shows in graphic and extremely realistic detail how the crew members shot the tribe members, burned their villages and eventually raped and killed a female member. The tribe doesn't take to kindly to the murder of the female member and then proceed to gruesomely murder the crew.
  
What truly separates Cannibal Holocaust from the likes of Ken Park, Isla or Saló is that this film is very very well made. Director Ruggero Deadato uses a style of directing he learned called, Cinéma vérité or truthfull cinema, that gives the film an incredibly realistic documentary type feel. How realistic is it? Well the director was arrested and charged with murder because the Italian government was convinced the found footage segment of Cannibal Holocaust depicted real life rapes and murders. The director was not found innocent until he was able to produce the actors alive in court. It is because of the realism of the deplorable acts in this film, combined with all the naked people, that makes this the most disturbing film I have ever seen.

Bonus: There were no special effects used in the deaths of the animals in this film, they were al actually killed. FUCK peta


Other Noteworthy Films:
  • The Brood- Body horror classic by horror master David Cronenberg. Another film that will disturb any future parents
  • Caligula- After about an hour of watching this film, which included an orgy scene with women apparently humping spears, my roommate forced me to turn this film off and then chastised me.
  • Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer- Very disturbing, very realistic look at two of the most infamous serial killers in US history. Low budget, good performances. The scenes involving the video camera are quite interesting.
  • Kids- A nice uplifting film about kids using drugs, beating kids with skateboards and spreading HIV to eachother
  • Marathon Man- The dental torture scenes is one of the hardest scenes to watch ever made. "Is it safe?"
  • Seventh Continent- In my top 10 films of the 80's. Psychologically disturbing film of a family that decides to destroy all their possessions and kill themselves, including their daughter. 
  • Teeth- When the U of M media library did not have a movie that my roommate wanted to rent, the librarian recommended this movie based off of our other rentals; I've never been so proud. This film can be summed up by one line, "Vagina Dentata!!!!"

Any suggestions for disturbing films I need to check out???