Horror Moviefest: Part 1

So 2 years ago as a newly employed corporate slave I for some reason had the moronic idea to watch a different horror movie every day of October. It apparently sounded like a good idea at the time, however by about day 5 I was already beginning to regret my decision. Unfortunately I had already told so many people about it that I was too embarrassed not to go through with it. Over the next couple weeks I'll occasionally post some quick reviews for the 31 films I watched during my Horror Moviefest. Please note that at the time of this marathon I was still adjusting to the awful monotonousness of working life and was drinking heavily, so I apologize if some of my reviews are quite lacking. Honestly I think I fell asleep during a few of them too...

1st - Friday the 13th - The original of course, not the unnecessary Michael Bay produced remake. While this film may not have held up as well as the original Halloween or Nightmare on Elm St., it is nevertheless a true classic worthy of starting my epic movie marathon. It didn't start the slasher franchise, but it was the first film to truly follow all the now classic slasher movie rules/cliches. Who doesn't love seeing Kevin Bacon take an arrow through the throat? As most people know, besides Drew Barrymore apparently, Jason is not the killer in the original film, but he does make a brief cameo appearance. Necessary viewing for any self respecting horror fan. 7.4/10

I'm Afraid that's a wrong answer...

2nd - The Haunting in Connecticut - This was just your average very formulaic modern jump scare possession movie. Honestly I remember this film more for a bad joke a friend from undergrad used to make about it than for anything that happened in the film itself. 4/10

3rd - Freaks - One of my biggest fears is midgets; they just creep me out. I know that isn't PC to say but it's true. I had heard about this movie years ago but was hesitant to watch it as it is notable for casting real life circus freaks. Overall it was a pretty well made horror film, scarier than most horror films from its time. Some of the acting and plot is pretty poor but that's to be expected with amateur actors. The film has a very memorable conclusion that is very creepy. Below is a parody of that scene from South Park. 7/10

4th - Ginger Dead Man 3 - When I started this film I was nervous that I would be very lost at the start of it. After all, although I had seen the first one, a classic with Gary Bucey, I had missed the second. Surprisingly it did not seem like I missed any major plot points and was able to follow along fine. I believe this one involved time travel back to a 70s roller disco. If you have seen any other films in the series then you know what to expect. Like most horror franchises with many sequels the films became more about humor and over the top kills than actual horror. Unfortunately Gary Bucey does not reprise his voice role. Only check this film out if you for some reason like the franchise and have 65 minutes to kill. 5/10

5th - A Nightmare on Elm Street - Once again I unfortunately have to stipulate that I of course watched the original Wes Craven classic, not a Michael Bay produced ripoff. I had heard great things about this series for years, I mean who hasn't heard, but for whatever reason it took me forever to finally watch it. I guess I had read so much about how it descended into poor comedy online that I honestly didn't have very high expectations. Boy was I wrong. The original is an absolute classic. Sure the plot is absurd, but it is very well made and very scary. It has a surprisingly very low body count, but the deaths are quite memorable. Johnny Depp death scene actually predicts what his career would look like in the 2010s. 8/10

6th - Tenebre - As anyone who follows my twitter knows, I am a huge fan of the Italian Horror genre called Giallo. The genre has a pretty specific formula wherein a normal citizen gets caught up investigating a series of violent murders which usually leads to epic chase scenes accompanied by heavy metal music. Tenebre is an example of the Giallo formula done to perfection by the master of the genre Dario Argento, accompanied by his awesome band Goblin. Highly recommended to anyone who has never seen a Giallo film. Check out The Bird with the Crystal Plumage and Opera by Argento if you like or can't find Tenebre. 7.8/10

7th - The Grudge - I watched the original Japanese version. I believe I looked it up and was surprised to find that The Grudge was actually the 3rd movie in a horror franchise in Japan. Movie wasn't terrible, but I found it more weird than actually scary. Hard to believe Hollywood found anything worth remaking for an american audience. Maybe things are more scary when they happen to SMG? 5.5/10

8th - Prince of Darkness - I am a big fan of John Carpenter, and although this is not one of his most well known films, it is still one of the better horror films from the 80s. Honestly I could watch paint dry if it has a John Carpenter score. The plot concerns the Devil coming into our world through some anti-matter particle. While the film might not live up to the epic nature of the plot, it is nevertheless a quality scary movie from a master of horror. Apparently Alice Cooper brought along a prop from his stage show which he used in his cameo. 7.5/10

9th - Halloween H2O - I'd say that besides Evil Dead, Halloween would have to be my favorite horror movie franchise. I decided to purchase a 3 pack of movies from the latter part of the series which includes Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers, Halloween H2O and Halloween Resurrection. Besides some hilarious acting choices, Paul Rudd in 6 and Busta Rhymes in Resurrection, the other films in the 3-pack are quite forgettable. H20 is definitely the strongest in the series besides the original, with Jamie Lee Curtis returning to the series that made her famous. More hilarious casting of young Josh Hartnett and LL Cool J aside, this is your typical Halloween flick. Michael Myers kills teens, refuses to die and somehow can't kill the 1 person he's going after. Includes a few more scares and some better production values to put it above the previous entries in the series. 7.2/10

10th - Peeping Tom - I highly anticipated watching this film as I had heard many positive things. Apparently this film was so controversial at the time it was released that it ruined a once promising director's career. However, over time it has become regarded as a classic. I don't think I would rate it as high as the true horror classics but it was an interesting flick. Main character was incredibly creepy and it sort of had a Rear Window type vibe putting the audience in a voyeuristic perspective. 6.5.10

To be Continued.....

Reeeee-views

With the end of the EPL season I realized I was in for a Loooooong summer, so in order to fill the massive time void I decided to reactivate my old netflix account. DVD by mail, none of that dumb streaming shit. With the DVDs you actually have a large worthwhile selection, not just seasons 2, 3 and 7 of Toddlers in Tiaras and 5 direct to video Christian Slater flicks. So long story short I've got bad news, with my account now reactivated and only transfer rumors to fill my soccer appetite, I will have time to watch and review movies for the interwebs.

Mad Max: Fury Road
For me the original Mad Max trilogy is hit or miss. The first film was pretty raw, but not without its charm and cool low-budget action sequences. The second is an action masterpiece, an extremely strange masterpiece, but a masterpiece nonetheless.The third film is absolute shit. I mean "2 men enter 1 man leaves" is a catchy phrase and all, but that is literally the only redeemable part of the movie. It is essentially apocalyptic Australian Neverland with Tina Turner, aka garbage. I think I gave it a 2/10 in my review 2 years ago. I had heard good things about this new flick but I was still a little hesitant to believe that it could be as good as everyone said. Afterall, it had been 30 years since George Miller made Beyond Thunderdome and they had replaced Mel Gibson in his iconic role. The movie cost $150M which seems astronomical considering the inherent risk of returning to the Austraulian desert wasteland after 30 years, but every single dollar is apparent on the screen. Simply one of the most breathtaking flicks I have ever seen. Glad I spent the extra bucks to see it on an IMax screen. The movie is pretty much the epic final chase scene from the second film lengthened to an entire movie. So simplistic of a plot risks losing the audiences attention without anything for them to cling on to. George Miller is able to combat this and add a surprising amount of emotional depth by introducing the badass Furiosa and her quest to free the wives from their evil ruler. While the title might include Mad Max, Furiosa steals the show from the title man. Tom Hardy is alright as Max, he is a little bit more of a klutz than the stoic portrayal Mel made famous, but he is upstaged by Charlize Theron in his own movie. This is not a bad thing tho because Furiosa is an awesome, badass, original character worthy of leading an action epic. There are lots of boring articles online discussing whether or not this was a femenist film, and possible ramifications for the future of Hollywood action films, so check those out if you must. The film delivered everything that fans of the original series wanted, iconic desert imagery, hilarious characters/outfits, and of course EPIC action pieces. The only true weak spot of the film is the villain who is a little forgettable. However that is just a minor gripe as this flick is too fast paced and heart pounding to allow you any time to notice the villains deficiencies. I cannot praise this film enough, prolly rivals Aliens for greatest pure action film ever made. Truly a great summer popcorn flick. Hopefully this flick made enough money that they can greenlight a sequel and fix the mistake of not including Mel Gibson. #LongLiveMel
9.2/10

Nightcrawler
When the rave reviews first started coming out for this movie I initially thought to go see it in theaters, however my reservations at seeing Jake Gyllenhaal staring in it prevented me from doing so. I have to say I am very glad I decided to finally give it a chance and get the blu ray from Netflix. Nightcrawler is a very sleek looking film with an incredibly interesting plot, well written/original characters, and an amazing performance by JG as Lou Bloom. Lou is truly one of the most incredible characters in recent film history. Sort of a psychotic autodidact who believes anything he reads online and stops at nothing to meet his career goals. From the commercials I had some idea of where the movie was going, but I have to say that I was still surprised at how it got there. Although, I have to say that I saw one of the big reveals at the end of the movie coming a mile away. Nevertheless, Nightcrawler is definitely one of the more cooler most original movies to come out in a while, I hope that Dan Gilroy directs some move movies in the future, and I will be eager to check them out if he does. And yes, Jake Gyllenhaal's performance is so good that I think I will finally have to forgive him for Donnie Darko. Highly recommended.
9/10


High Sierra
I am a HUGE fan of both Humphrey Bogart and Film Noirs so when I saw that TCM was having a Film Noir marathon every Friday for the next 2 months I was very excited. Their first marathon included some classics, The Maltese Falcon and M, however I was most interested in watching a HB movie I had never seen before, High Sierra. While this wasn't a bad flick it also wasn't anything special. I was a little surprised that TCM had categorized it as a film noir as there is no femme fatale nor any mystery; I thought it would be more accurately called a Ganster flick. The film included a fine performance by HB, his first staring role pavingd the way for Maltese Falcon later in the year, but there were also several very weak elements to the film. Early Hollywood films are full of nostalgia and charm, but they also have a tendency to be a little too light hearted for my liking. There is some cool scenery and a few interesting characters but the film lacked any true feeling of suspense. If you haven't seen an HB flick before and want to know what he is all about I would start with The Maltese Falcon or Treasure of the Sierra Madre. I would only watch High Sierra, if like me, you are a huge HB fan and want to see his entire catalog.
5/10

Jurassic World
Been seeing a lot of positive buzz about the latest Jurassic Park sequel, Jurassic World. While the original is an absolute classic, and star Chris Pratt certainly has some charisma, I think people need to have more restrained expectations. If you are still super pumped after watching the below clip from the film then you are either delusional or an idiot.
Hold onto your butts...

Back in the Game (sorry grammar police)

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Movie Reviews!!!!

Good news for you loyal readers, since my life as an unemployed bum consists of applying for jobs all day and resisting the urge to kill myself, I now have lots of opportunities to watch movies and write reviews for you!!! Without further ado, here are some recent movies I have watched...

Melancholia- I decided to give Lars Von Trier a second try after a bad experience with the disturbing Antichrist, and I'm glad I did. The film is about a depressed woman staying with her sisters family when the earth is about to be hit by another planet. LVP got the idea for this film when he heard that people with depression remain calm in intense situations because they always expect the worst. Kirsten Dunst had a depression spell a year or so prior to filming and pulls off probably her best performance as the depressed sister, good casting. Likewise, Charlotte Gainsbourg is a very talented actress and is fun to watch, that is when she's not cutting off her clit with a dirty pair of scissors. The film was very original, very interesting and had great visuals 8/10
Bonus: Kirsten Dunst's big old boobies are shown in this film. Who knew that the girl from Jumanji would grow up to have such large tits???

Get the Gringo- Mel is Back baby!!! This description from Wikipedia is fairly accurate

"Mel Gibson is back doing what he knows, playing a flawed character with redeeming qualities who is also a resourceful tough guy."

Essentially I see this movie as Mel updating his character from Payback and transferring him to a 21st century Mexican jail. The jail is very cool , I don't know if it's truly how mexican jails are, but it was a well developed interesting world in itself. The film is simply a fun  payback action flick with a few unexpected twists. I'm not sure how realistic it would be for a badass criminal intent on getting his money to risk everything to save a Mexican woman and her child, but nevertheless, it is much better than any Jason Statham movie. Mel helped write this film which shows the many truly understands good entertainment. It's a shame that Hollywood and mainstream America won't give Mel a second chance, sure he's a drunken religious racist asshole, but come on Ray Lewis murdered a man for gods sake!!! 8/10

Looper- I am a huge fan of Director Rian Johnsons first film Brick, and awesome neo-noir,  and had huge expectations for this film, luckily I was not let down. Looper is simply the best Sci-Fi Actioner to come out in a long time. I don't want to give away too much of the plot because it was so good and it was not at all what I expected. Much smarter than most Michael Bay type Hollywood action films. The idea of time travel is confusing, mostly because its not possible, and I liked how they had the characters acknowledge this in the film. I would have rated this film even higher except for the fact that they simply did not develop the  "Gat Man" characters at all, the ending was a little expected and finally I fucking hated JGL's make up that made him look sorta like a young Bruce Willis, it was just distracting 8.4/10


Bonus- The newest and longer trailer for the Evil Dead remake is out, and my god it looks scary. Normally I hate remakes, especially of classics such as Evil Dead, however since Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are involved, as producers, I'm willing to give this film a shot.
Here is an article about what to expect from the remake: Swear Its Not Meat Spin
Here's the trailer:

Top Trilogy Time

This Xmas I received, as presents from Santy, both Three Colors Red and The Tenant, two movies I had been looking for for years. These films were both the last movies in trilogies I had started but was unable to finish. In honor of me finally finishing these trilogies I bring you a list of the Best, and the Rest, of the trilogies I have seen.

The Best

Evil Dead- (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, Army of Darkness)
Strongest- Evil Dead 2- Greatest Movie of All Time 10/10
Weakest- Army of Darkness- Being the worst film in the Evil Dead series is a lot like being the dumbest person in Mensa 9/10

Samurai Trilogy- (Musashi Miyamoto, Duel at Ichijoji Temple, Duel at Ganryu Island)
-With all do respect to Samuel L Jackson and Bruce Campbell, Toshiro Mifune is without a doubt the Biggest Baddass in film history
Strongest- Duel at Ichijoji Temple- One of the single greatest fight scenes of all time wherein Miyamoto takes on the entire Yoshioka School 9.2/10
Weakest- Duel at Ganryu Island- Final showdown was a little bit of a letdown 8.4/10

Polanski's Apartment Trilogy- (Repulsion, Rosemary's Baby, The Tenant)
Strongest- Repulsion- CREEPY atmosphere 9.4/10
Weakest- Rosemary's Baby- Maude, Ruth Gordon, from Harold and Maude won the best supporting actress Oscar in a horror film, don't see that everyday 8.2/10

Three Colors- (Blue, White, Red)
-Decided to check out this trilogy by director Krzysztof Kieślowski because he is Polish, and boy am I glad I did. Great intelligent script, wonderful cinematography, they simply don't make films like this in the US.
Strongest- Blue- I LOVE Juliette Binoche, the score is almost as beautiful as the star 9.4/10
Weakest- White- This entry is more comical and less serious than the other entries in the trilogy, but is still a great story of revenge 8.6/10

The Rest

Lord of the Rings- (Fellowship of the Rings, Two Towers, Return of the King)
Strongest- Two Towers- Me like the tree people 7.5/10
Weakest- Return of the King- Literally the exact same movie as Two Towers except with an extra 2 hours of boring/pointless conclusion 6/10

Mad Max- (Mad Max, Road Warrior, Beyond Thunderdome)
Strongest- Road Warrior- Sure the Australian accents are kind of annoying and make everyone sound slightly retarded, but this film is full of non stop action from beginning to end 8.5/10
Weakest- Beyond Thunderdome- any movie that prominently features kids is most likely terrible, and this is no exception. Tina Turner added nothing to this film 2/10

Trilogy of the Dead- (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead)
-Yes I know George A Romero has since added 3 more movies to the series, however they came out much later and are of much much lower quality than the original 3
Strongest- Dawn of the Dead- One of the greatest horror films of all time. Also has good, and extremely unsubtle social commentary 9.4/10
Weakest- Day of the Dead- Not as ground breaking or fun as the others in the trilogy but still a very effective and very gruesome horror flick 7.8/10

Star Wars- original (A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)
-Star Wars is for kids people, just admit it 
Strongest- A New Hope- Who fired first? Who Cares!! 7/10
Weakest- Return of the Jedi- Ewoks seriously? Why do grown men watch movies with Ewoks? 4/10
Bonus: Here is David Lynch talking about how George Lucas tried to recruit him to direct RotJ

Star Wars- prequels (Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith)
Strongest- Revenge of the Sith- "You were the Chosen One!!" lucky for me that is the only thing I remember about this movie 5/10
Weakest- Phantom Menace- well at least the n64 pod racing game was cool right? 3/10
Bonus: Here is the first part of the very popular Phantom Menace review

Godfather- (Godfather, Part 2, Part 3)
Greatest- Godfather- The flashbacks in part 2 are great, but the original is still the best 9.2/10
Weakest- Godfather Part 3- Everything FF Coppola made after Apocalypse Now is pretty much garbage, and sadly this was no exception 5/10

Chris Nolan's Batman- (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises)
Greatest- The Dark Knight- Infinitely re-watchable, unfortunately the people at Reddit discovered it suffers from one of the worst plot holes of all time "The Joker calls Maggie Gyllenhaal beautiful, but she is not" 8.6/10
Weakest- Batman Begins- This film just didn't do it for me, didn't care about Bruce and certainly was not impressed by the villains 6/10


Haven't Finished Yet:

Bergman's God Trilogy (Through the Glass Darkly, Winter Light, The Silence)
Haven't Seen- Through the Glass Darkly- No excuse, Bergman is great, I should watch this soon.

Hannibal Lector- (Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Red Dragon)
Havne't Seen- Red Dragon- I'm a huge fan of the Michael Mann film Manhunter which is an adaptation of the book Red Dragon. I don't want Edward Norton to ruin a good story for me.

Spiderman- (1, 2 and 3)
Haven't Seen- 1 and 3- Honestly I am a huge fan of director Sam Raimi, see Evil Dead review, but Spiderman 2 is one of the biggest pieces of garbage I have ever had the unfortunate experience of watching.

Toy Story- (1, 2 and 3)
Havne't Seen- 2 and 3- the original was good when I was a kid, however as I am now over the age of 10 I will not watch the other films in this series


Haven't Started-

Mariachi Series (Mariachi, Desperado, One Upon a Time in Mexico)
- I may not have seen the films, but I have watched this video recipe from director Robert Rodriguez

Europa Trilogy- (The Element of Crime, Epidemic, Europa)
-Lars Von Trier trilogy of films, Europa won the Jury Prize at Cannes. I've been meaning to watch more LVT films once I get over how incredibly terrifying Antichrist was


Golden Heart Trilogy- ( Breaking Waves, The Idiots, Dancer in the Dark)
-Another LVT trilogy, Breaking Waves won the Grand Prix at Cannes and Dancer in the Dark won the Palm d'Or. Yea I should really check this guy out... 


Feel free to comment on my rankings and/or suggest more trilogies I need to check out...

10 Most Controversial Sex Scenes

Sorry for not posting much lately, and making the blog private, but I sort of have to figure out what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life so I'm a little busy. Anywho I came across this article today on WhatCulture of the most controversial sex scenes of all time. 

Here's the link: http://whatculture.com/film/10-most-controversial-sex-scenes-ever.php
Here's the rankings:
10. Crash (1996) - Masochistic Symphorophilia
9. 9 Songs - Unsimulated sex/masturbation/ejaculation
8. Kids - Casper "The Dopest Ghost" rapes chick and catches the bug
7. Irreversible - graphic rape scene
6. The Brown Bunny - unsimulated blow job, apparently the actress swallows
5. Antichrist - Willem Dafoe sex interspersed with baby falling to its death
4. Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song- director used his 13 year old sun in sex scene
3. Salo - female slave forced to eat masters shit
2. The Devils - nuns sexually assault statue of jesus
1. Cannibal Holocaust - ritualistic rape/murder

Thoughts- Many of these films were in my ranking of the most disturbing films of all time, but surprising I have not seen all of these films!!! I haven't seen numbers 9,7,6 or 2. It is a pretty good list, however I was SHOCKED that the "get the butter" buttsex scene from Last Tango in Paris did not make the list. Also, I would put Ken Park on the list over Kids, definitely Larry Clark's most controversial film. I mean a teenager eats out his girlfriends mom, how does that not make the top 10?


I MUST check this film out:
After I wrote my post about the Most Disturbing films I read about a movie that makes me believe my list was incomplete. The film is titled A Serbian Film, and judging by the description I'd say that it has a good chance at claiming the 1 spot. I will be sure to watch this awful awful film so that I can report my findings to you loyal readers.
Here's the Wikipedia plot description:

"Miloš is a semi-retired porn star and lives with his wife Marija and six-year-old son, Petar. His brother Marko is a corrupt police officer who envies Miloš' life and is attracted to Marija. Marija is curious about her husband's past and is concerned about the family’s income. Lejla, a former co-star, offers Miloš a starring role in an art film directed by Vukmir, an independent pornographer who wishes to cast Miloš for his powerful erection. Having already caught Petar watching one of his films and not informed on the details of Vukmir's film, Miloš is hesitant to participate and continue his career, but accepts to secure his family’s financial future. While meeting Vukmir, Miloš passes a bald man and his entourage, regarding them warily.Shooting begins at an orphanage, where Vukmir feeds Miloš instructions through an earpiece given by Vukmir's driver Raša, while a film crew follows him. Miloš sees young girl Jeca abused by her mother, who has disgraced her deceased war hero husband's memory by becoming a whore. In a dark room, screens show Jeca seductively eating an ice pop while Miloš is fellated by a nurse. Then, Miloš is instructed to receive it from the mother, while Jeca watches. Miloš refuses, but is forced to continue. Marko later informs him that Vukmir is a former psychologist and has worked in children's TV and state security. Vukmir meets a hesitant Miloš afterward to explain his artistic style, showing a film of a woman giving birth to a newborn which is immediately raped by Raša, in what the director terms "newborn porn." Miloš storms out and drives away. At a road junction, he is approached and seduced by Vukmir's female doctor.A bloodied Miloš wakes up in his bed some time later with no memory of what has happened. He returns to the now abandoned set and finds a number of tapes. Viewing them, Miloš discovers that he was drugged to induce an aggressive, sexually aroused and suggestible state. At Vukmir's manipulative direction, Miloš beats and rapes Jeca's mother before decapitating her to inducerigor mortis and later, a catatonic Miloš is sodomized by Vukmir's security. He then watches footage of Lejla voicing concern for Miloš, only to be restrained as her teeth are removed. A masked man then enters the room and forces his penis down her throat to kill her by suffocation. The footage continues as Miloš is led to Jeca's home where an elderly woman praises him for killing her mother and offers Jeca as a "virgin commune." Miloš refuses and escapes through a window to an alleyway, where he watches a girl pass by. He begins masturbating and is assaulted by a group of thugs before they are killed by Raša, who then takes Miloš back to a warehouse with Vukmir.At the warehouse, Vukmir's doctor administers more drugs after which Miloš overpowers her, sticking the syringe into her throat. He is then taken into a room to have intercourse with two hidden bodies under a sheet. Miloš is guided onto one body and the masked man from Lejla’s movie enters and begins raping the other. Miloš doesn't notice that his victim is bleeding profusely from therectum. Vukmir then reveals the masked man to be Marko, his victim to be Marija and finally, that Miloš is raping Petar, his own son. An enraged Miloš lunges at Vukmir and smashes his head against the floor, initiating a brawl during which Marija bludgeons Marko to death with a sculpture. Miloš wrestles a gun from a guard and shoots all but the one-eyed Raša, whom he kills by shoving his erect penis into his empty eye socket. A dying Vukmir praises Miloš' actions as truly worthy of film.Miloš, having recalled his actions, including locking his wife and son in their basement before passing out earlier, returns home to find them. He and his wife come to a mutual understanding that he, his wife, and his child, should die together, so the three gather in bed and embrace before Miloš fires a fatal shot through himself, Petar, and Marija. Sometime later a new film crew, including the bald man from earlier, enters the bedroom. He unzips his fly, as the director advises him to "start with the little one.""

Bond 50

I will admit that as an unpopular friendless middle schooler/ high schooler I spent many a Christmas break watching Bond marathons and developed quit an affinity for the spy series. In honor of this classic franchise turning 50 here are my 3 favorite films with the english don juan

Best Bond- Sean Connery hands down

3. Goldeneye- Some may say that the best thing about this movie is the video game that it spawned, and while they certainly wouldn't be wrong, one should not discount the fact that this was a legit piece of entertaining cinema. Pierce Bronsnan's debut transports Bond into the modern age of cyber wars. Brosnan is not my favorite Bond, see above, but he def has a lot of charisma and helps carry this film. Sean Bean is a very underrated and underutilized actor in Hollywood; he plays former double 0 agent Alex Trevelyan who is a worthy adversary for Bond. While not as over the top cheesy as the Roger Moore era, Goldeneye definitely includes some over the top action sequences, most notably Bond driving a tank through the streets of St. Petersburg.
Rating: 8/10

2. Dr. No- Produced 50 years ago, this is the film that started it all. The scene where Bond is first introduced is one of the most iconic in all of cinama, does the quote "Bond, James Bond" ring a bell? Sean Connery's Bond is more vicious here than in later installments as evidenced by Bond toying with the professor before killing him. The plot is rather confusing, how does sending radio signals to disrupt the US Mercury space missions lead to world domination, and it includes many cheesy elements such as Dr. No's metal hands and a Jamaican native afraid of dragons. Nevertheless Dr. No is a very good introduction to one of the best characters and best francheses in film history. The final confrontation is a little anticlimactic, but Ursala Andress more than makes up for any disappointment caused by how easily Dr. No was defeated.
Rating: 8.5/10

Here is the clip voted the the #1 "Greatest Sexy Moment" by Channel 4:

1. Goldfinger- The quintessential Bond film. While it might not have been the first Bond film, it was the first film to include many elements that would became mainstays in the series including a memorable henchman, high tech gadgets and an original song for the opening credits. Includes one of the most memorable scenes and quotes in any Bond film in which Bond is tied to a bench with a laser slowly moving up between his legs. Auric Goldfinger is one of the best Bond villains, Oddjob is THE best Bond henchman, and this is the Best Bond film.
Rating: 9/10

Here is EASILY the greatest Bond Song of all time

And here is the Greatest Bond Quote of all time:

Bonus: My top 3 film choices also include the top 3 best Bond Girl names of all time, Xenia Onatopp,
Honey Rider and Pussy Galore respectively.

Honorable Mentions:

A View to a Kill- Sure Roger Moore at 58 was WAY too old to play a believable superspy, but who cares. Moore's Bond films weren't about having a believable plot, they were about good old fashioned cheese. With a Nazi steroid using super genius portrayed by Christopher Walken this film certainly does not fail to deliver the cheese. MayDay, a pajama wearing Amazon woman, is one of the more memorable henchmen in the series. The final showdown on top of the GoldenGate bridge pretty much sums up the Moore Years.
Bonus: The Bond Girl is Donna's mom in that 70's show 7/10

Johnny English Reborn- For some reason I watched this ridiculously unnecessary sequel to another boring Bond parody and have to say the only redeemable thing about the whole film is that McNulty from The Wire uses his real English accent. But def check it out!!! 4/10

You Only Move Twice- Simpson's episode that sort of parodies the Bond Series. Hank Scorpio is def the best super villain of all time. One of the best Simpsons episodes. 9.5/10


Bonus Review:
Elephant- If you really like the Columbine shooting, and simply can't get enough of watching teenagers die, then this is the film for you. This film won the Palm d'Or in 2003 which is why I decided to check it out. Although it is well made with an interesting style and original camera work, I'm not sure it's worthy of the biggest movie prize in the world. I recently watched a documentary about Bill Hicks and one of the murderers looks exactly like a young Bill. The entire time I could not help but wonder why one of the greatest comics of all time wanted to kill all those students, it was very confusing. Also, are there really that many bulimic girls in high school? I always thought that was overblown, and the inclusion of it in this film just lessened the reality of the situation for me. This film is like Ali: Fear Eats the Soul, while it is well made, I certainly can't suggest it to any readers unless they have a strange interest in the subject matter.
Rating: 8/10