Back in the Game (sorry grammar police)

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Movie Reviews!!!!

Good news for you loyal readers, since my life as an unemployed bum consists of applying for jobs all day and resisting the urge to kill myself, I now have lots of opportunities to watch movies and write reviews for you!!! Without further ado, here are some recent movies I have watched...

Melancholia- I decided to give Lars Von Trier a second try after a bad experience with the disturbing Antichrist, and I'm glad I did. The film is about a depressed woman staying with her sisters family when the earth is about to be hit by another planet. LVP got the idea for this film when he heard that people with depression remain calm in intense situations because they always expect the worst. Kirsten Dunst had a depression spell a year or so prior to filming and pulls off probably her best performance as the depressed sister, good casting. Likewise, Charlotte Gainsbourg is a very talented actress and is fun to watch, that is when she's not cutting off her clit with a dirty pair of scissors. The film was very original, very interesting and had great visuals 8/10
Bonus: Kirsten Dunst's big old boobies are shown in this film. Who knew that the girl from Jumanji would grow up to have such large tits???

Get the Gringo- Mel is Back baby!!! This description from Wikipedia is fairly accurate

"Mel Gibson is back doing what he knows, playing a flawed character with redeeming qualities who is also a resourceful tough guy."

Essentially I see this movie as Mel updating his character from Payback and transferring him to a 21st century Mexican jail. The jail is very cool , I don't know if it's truly how mexican jails are, but it was a well developed interesting world in itself. The film is simply a fun  payback action flick with a few unexpected twists. I'm not sure how realistic it would be for a badass criminal intent on getting his money to risk everything to save a Mexican woman and her child, but nevertheless, it is much better than any Jason Statham movie. Mel helped write this film which shows the many truly understands good entertainment. It's a shame that Hollywood and mainstream America won't give Mel a second chance, sure he's a drunken religious racist asshole, but come on Ray Lewis murdered a man for gods sake!!! 8/10

Looper- I am a huge fan of Director Rian Johnsons first film Brick, and awesome neo-noir,  and had huge expectations for this film, luckily I was not let down. Looper is simply the best Sci-Fi Actioner to come out in a long time. I don't want to give away too much of the plot because it was so good and it was not at all what I expected. Much smarter than most Michael Bay type Hollywood action films. The idea of time travel is confusing, mostly because its not possible, and I liked how they had the characters acknowledge this in the film. I would have rated this film even higher except for the fact that they simply did not develop the  "Gat Man" characters at all, the ending was a little expected and finally I fucking hated JGL's make up that made him look sorta like a young Bruce Willis, it was just distracting 8.4/10


Bonus- The newest and longer trailer for the Evil Dead remake is out, and my god it looks scary. Normally I hate remakes, especially of classics such as Evil Dead, however since Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell are involved, as producers, I'm willing to give this film a shot.
Here is an article about what to expect from the remake: Swear Its Not Meat Spin
Here's the trailer:

Top Trilogy Time

This Xmas I received, as presents from Santy, both Three Colors Red and The Tenant, two movies I had been looking for for years. These films were both the last movies in trilogies I had started but was unable to finish. In honor of me finally finishing these trilogies I bring you a list of the Best, and the Rest, of the trilogies I have seen.

The Best

Evil Dead- (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, Army of Darkness)
Strongest- Evil Dead 2- Greatest Movie of All Time 10/10
Weakest- Army of Darkness- Being the worst film in the Evil Dead series is a lot like being the dumbest person in Mensa 9/10

Samurai Trilogy- (Musashi Miyamoto, Duel at Ichijoji Temple, Duel at Ganryu Island)
-With all do respect to Samuel L Jackson and Bruce Campbell, Toshiro Mifune is without a doubt the Biggest Baddass in film history
Strongest- Duel at Ichijoji Temple- One of the single greatest fight scenes of all time wherein Miyamoto takes on the entire Yoshioka School 9.2/10
Weakest- Duel at Ganryu Island- Final showdown was a little bit of a letdown 8.4/10

Polanski's Apartment Trilogy- (Repulsion, Rosemary's Baby, The Tenant)
Strongest- Repulsion- CREEPY atmosphere 9.4/10
Weakest- Rosemary's Baby- Maude, Ruth Gordon, from Harold and Maude won the best supporting actress Oscar in a horror film, don't see that everyday 8.2/10

Three Colors- (Blue, White, Red)
-Decided to check out this trilogy by director Krzysztof Kieślowski because he is Polish, and boy am I glad I did. Great intelligent script, wonderful cinematography, they simply don't make films like this in the US.
Strongest- Blue- I LOVE Juliette Binoche, the score is almost as beautiful as the star 9.4/10
Weakest- White- This entry is more comical and less serious than the other entries in the trilogy, but is still a great story of revenge 8.6/10

The Rest

Lord of the Rings- (Fellowship of the Rings, Two Towers, Return of the King)
Strongest- Two Towers- Me like the tree people 7.5/10
Weakest- Return of the King- Literally the exact same movie as Two Towers except with an extra 2 hours of boring/pointless conclusion 6/10

Mad Max- (Mad Max, Road Warrior, Beyond Thunderdome)
Strongest- Road Warrior- Sure the Australian accents are kind of annoying and make everyone sound slightly retarded, but this film is full of non stop action from beginning to end 8.5/10
Weakest- Beyond Thunderdome- any movie that prominently features kids is most likely terrible, and this is no exception. Tina Turner added nothing to this film 2/10

Trilogy of the Dead- (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead)
-Yes I know George A Romero has since added 3 more movies to the series, however they came out much later and are of much much lower quality than the original 3
Strongest- Dawn of the Dead- One of the greatest horror films of all time. Also has good, and extremely unsubtle social commentary 9.4/10
Weakest- Day of the Dead- Not as ground breaking or fun as the others in the trilogy but still a very effective and very gruesome horror flick 7.8/10

Star Wars- original (A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)
-Star Wars is for kids people, just admit it 
Strongest- A New Hope- Who fired first? Who Cares!! 7/10
Weakest- Return of the Jedi- Ewoks seriously? Why do grown men watch movies with Ewoks? 4/10
Bonus: Here is David Lynch talking about how George Lucas tried to recruit him to direct RotJ

Star Wars- prequels (Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith)
Strongest- Revenge of the Sith- "You were the Chosen One!!" lucky for me that is the only thing I remember about this movie 5/10
Weakest- Phantom Menace- well at least the n64 pod racing game was cool right? 3/10
Bonus: Here is the first part of the very popular Phantom Menace review

Godfather- (Godfather, Part 2, Part 3)
Greatest- Godfather- The flashbacks in part 2 are great, but the original is still the best 9.2/10
Weakest- Godfather Part 3- Everything FF Coppola made after Apocalypse Now is pretty much garbage, and sadly this was no exception 5/10

Chris Nolan's Batman- (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises)
Greatest- The Dark Knight- Infinitely re-watchable, unfortunately the people at Reddit discovered it suffers from one of the worst plot holes of all time "The Joker calls Maggie Gyllenhaal beautiful, but she is not" 8.6/10
Weakest- Batman Begins- This film just didn't do it for me, didn't care about Bruce and certainly was not impressed by the villains 6/10


Haven't Finished Yet:

Bergman's God Trilogy (Through the Glass Darkly, Winter Light, The Silence)
Haven't Seen- Through the Glass Darkly- No excuse, Bergman is great, I should watch this soon.

Hannibal Lector- (Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Red Dragon)
Havne't Seen- Red Dragon- I'm a huge fan of the Michael Mann film Manhunter which is an adaptation of the book Red Dragon. I don't want Edward Norton to ruin a good story for me.

Spiderman- (1, 2 and 3)
Haven't Seen- 1 and 3- Honestly I am a huge fan of director Sam Raimi, see Evil Dead review, but Spiderman 2 is one of the biggest pieces of garbage I have ever had the unfortunate experience of watching.

Toy Story- (1, 2 and 3)
Havne't Seen- 2 and 3- the original was good when I was a kid, however as I am now over the age of 10 I will not watch the other films in this series


Haven't Started-

Mariachi Series (Mariachi, Desperado, One Upon a Time in Mexico)
- I may not have seen the films, but I have watched this video recipe from director Robert Rodriguez

Europa Trilogy- (The Element of Crime, Epidemic, Europa)
-Lars Von Trier trilogy of films, Europa won the Jury Prize at Cannes. I've been meaning to watch more LVT films once I get over how incredibly terrifying Antichrist was


Golden Heart Trilogy- ( Breaking Waves, The Idiots, Dancer in the Dark)
-Another LVT trilogy, Breaking Waves won the Grand Prix at Cannes and Dancer in the Dark won the Palm d'Or. Yea I should really check this guy out... 


Feel free to comment on my rankings and/or suggest more trilogies I need to check out...

10 Most Controversial Sex Scenes

Sorry for not posting much lately, and making the blog private, but I sort of have to figure out what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life so I'm a little busy. Anywho I came across this article today on WhatCulture of the most controversial sex scenes of all time. 

Here's the link: http://whatculture.com/film/10-most-controversial-sex-scenes-ever.php
Here's the rankings:
10. Crash (1996) - Masochistic Symphorophilia
9. 9 Songs - Unsimulated sex/masturbation/ejaculation
8. Kids - Casper "The Dopest Ghost" rapes chick and catches the bug
7. Irreversible - graphic rape scene
6. The Brown Bunny - unsimulated blow job, apparently the actress swallows
5. Antichrist - Willem Dafoe sex interspersed with baby falling to its death
4. Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song- director used his 13 year old sun in sex scene
3. Salo - female slave forced to eat masters shit
2. The Devils - nuns sexually assault statue of jesus
1. Cannibal Holocaust - ritualistic rape/murder

Thoughts- Many of these films were in my ranking of the most disturbing films of all time, but surprising I have not seen all of these films!!! I haven't seen numbers 9,7,6 or 2. It is a pretty good list, however I was SHOCKED that the "get the butter" buttsex scene from Last Tango in Paris did not make the list. Also, I would put Ken Park on the list over Kids, definitely Larry Clark's most controversial film. I mean a teenager eats out his girlfriends mom, how does that not make the top 10?


I MUST check this film out:
After I wrote my post about the Most Disturbing films I read about a movie that makes me believe my list was incomplete. The film is titled A Serbian Film, and judging by the description I'd say that it has a good chance at claiming the 1 spot. I will be sure to watch this awful awful film so that I can report my findings to you loyal readers.
Here's the Wikipedia plot description:

"Miloš is a semi-retired porn star and lives with his wife Marija and six-year-old son, Petar. His brother Marko is a corrupt police officer who envies Miloš' life and is attracted to Marija. Marija is curious about her husband's past and is concerned about the family’s income. Lejla, a former co-star, offers Miloš a starring role in an art film directed by Vukmir, an independent pornographer who wishes to cast Miloš for his powerful erection. Having already caught Petar watching one of his films and not informed on the details of Vukmir's film, Miloš is hesitant to participate and continue his career, but accepts to secure his family’s financial future. While meeting Vukmir, Miloš passes a bald man and his entourage, regarding them warily.Shooting begins at an orphanage, where Vukmir feeds Miloš instructions through an earpiece given by Vukmir's driver Raša, while a film crew follows him. Miloš sees young girl Jeca abused by her mother, who has disgraced her deceased war hero husband's memory by becoming a whore. In a dark room, screens show Jeca seductively eating an ice pop while Miloš is fellated by a nurse. Then, Miloš is instructed to receive it from the mother, while Jeca watches. Miloš refuses, but is forced to continue. Marko later informs him that Vukmir is a former psychologist and has worked in children's TV and state security. Vukmir meets a hesitant Miloš afterward to explain his artistic style, showing a film of a woman giving birth to a newborn which is immediately raped by Raša, in what the director terms "newborn porn." Miloš storms out and drives away. At a road junction, he is approached and seduced by Vukmir's female doctor.A bloodied Miloš wakes up in his bed some time later with no memory of what has happened. He returns to the now abandoned set and finds a number of tapes. Viewing them, Miloš discovers that he was drugged to induce an aggressive, sexually aroused and suggestible state. At Vukmir's manipulative direction, Miloš beats and rapes Jeca's mother before decapitating her to inducerigor mortis and later, a catatonic Miloš is sodomized by Vukmir's security. He then watches footage of Lejla voicing concern for Miloš, only to be restrained as her teeth are removed. A masked man then enters the room and forces his penis down her throat to kill her by suffocation. The footage continues as Miloš is led to Jeca's home where an elderly woman praises him for killing her mother and offers Jeca as a "virgin commune." Miloš refuses and escapes through a window to an alleyway, where he watches a girl pass by. He begins masturbating and is assaulted by a group of thugs before they are killed by Raša, who then takes Miloš back to a warehouse with Vukmir.At the warehouse, Vukmir's doctor administers more drugs after which Miloš overpowers her, sticking the syringe into her throat. He is then taken into a room to have intercourse with two hidden bodies under a sheet. Miloš is guided onto one body and the masked man from Lejla’s movie enters and begins raping the other. Miloš doesn't notice that his victim is bleeding profusely from therectum. Vukmir then reveals the masked man to be Marko, his victim to be Marija and finally, that Miloš is raping Petar, his own son. An enraged Miloš lunges at Vukmir and smashes his head against the floor, initiating a brawl during which Marija bludgeons Marko to death with a sculpture. Miloš wrestles a gun from a guard and shoots all but the one-eyed Raša, whom he kills by shoving his erect penis into his empty eye socket. A dying Vukmir praises Miloš' actions as truly worthy of film.Miloš, having recalled his actions, including locking his wife and son in their basement before passing out earlier, returns home to find them. He and his wife come to a mutual understanding that he, his wife, and his child, should die together, so the three gather in bed and embrace before Miloš fires a fatal shot through himself, Petar, and Marija. Sometime later a new film crew, including the bald man from earlier, enters the bedroom. He unzips his fly, as the director advises him to "start with the little one.""

Bond 50

I will admit that as an unpopular friendless middle schooler/ high schooler I spent many a Christmas break watching Bond marathons and developed quit an affinity for the spy series. In honor of this classic franchise turning 50 here are my 3 favorite films with the english don juan

Best Bond- Sean Connery hands down

3. Goldeneye- Some may say that the best thing about this movie is the video game that it spawned, and while they certainly wouldn't be wrong, one should not discount the fact that this was a legit piece of entertaining cinema. Pierce Bronsnan's debut transports Bond into the modern age of cyber wars. Brosnan is not my favorite Bond, see above, but he def has a lot of charisma and helps carry this film. Sean Bean is a very underrated and underutilized actor in Hollywood; he plays former double 0 agent Alex Trevelyan who is a worthy adversary for Bond. While not as over the top cheesy as the Roger Moore era, Goldeneye definitely includes some over the top action sequences, most notably Bond driving a tank through the streets of St. Petersburg.
Rating: 8/10

2. Dr. No- Produced 50 years ago, this is the film that started it all. The scene where Bond is first introduced is one of the most iconic in all of cinama, does the quote "Bond, James Bond" ring a bell? Sean Connery's Bond is more vicious here than in later installments as evidenced by Bond toying with the professor before killing him. The plot is rather confusing, how does sending radio signals to disrupt the US Mercury space missions lead to world domination, and it includes many cheesy elements such as Dr. No's metal hands and a Jamaican native afraid of dragons. Nevertheless Dr. No is a very good introduction to one of the best characters and best francheses in film history. The final confrontation is a little anticlimactic, but Ursala Andress more than makes up for any disappointment caused by how easily Dr. No was defeated.
Rating: 8.5/10

Here is the clip voted the the #1 "Greatest Sexy Moment" by Channel 4:

1. Goldfinger- The quintessential Bond film. While it might not have been the first Bond film, it was the first film to include many elements that would became mainstays in the series including a memorable henchman, high tech gadgets and an original song for the opening credits. Includes one of the most memorable scenes and quotes in any Bond film in which Bond is tied to a bench with a laser slowly moving up between his legs. Auric Goldfinger is one of the best Bond villains, Oddjob is THE best Bond henchman, and this is the Best Bond film.
Rating: 9/10

Here is EASILY the greatest Bond Song of all time

And here is the Greatest Bond Quote of all time:

Bonus: My top 3 film choices also include the top 3 best Bond Girl names of all time, Xenia Onatopp,
Honey Rider and Pussy Galore respectively.

Honorable Mentions:

A View to a Kill- Sure Roger Moore at 58 was WAY too old to play a believable superspy, but who cares. Moore's Bond films weren't about having a believable plot, they were about good old fashioned cheese. With a Nazi steroid using super genius portrayed by Christopher Walken this film certainly does not fail to deliver the cheese. MayDay, a pajama wearing Amazon woman, is one of the more memorable henchmen in the series. The final showdown on top of the GoldenGate bridge pretty much sums up the Moore Years.
Bonus: The Bond Girl is Donna's mom in that 70's show 7/10

Johnny English Reborn- For some reason I watched this ridiculously unnecessary sequel to another boring Bond parody and have to say the only redeemable thing about the whole film is that McNulty from The Wire uses his real English accent. But def check it out!!! 4/10

You Only Move Twice- Simpson's episode that sort of parodies the Bond Series. Hank Scorpio is def the best super villain of all time. One of the best Simpsons episodes. 9.5/10


Bonus Review:
Elephant- If you really like the Columbine shooting, and simply can't get enough of watching teenagers die, then this is the film for you. This film won the Palm d'Or in 2003 which is why I decided to check it out. Although it is well made with an interesting style and original camera work, I'm not sure it's worthy of the biggest movie prize in the world. I recently watched a documentary about Bill Hicks and one of the murderers looks exactly like a young Bill. The entire time I could not help but wonder why one of the greatest comics of all time wanted to kill all those students, it was very confusing. Also, are there really that many bulimic girls in high school? I always thought that was overblown, and the inclusion of it in this film just lessened the reality of the situation for me. This film is like Ali: Fear Eats the Soul, while it is well made, I certainly can't suggest it to any readers unless they have a strange interest in the subject matter.
Rating: 8/10

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

There has been a lot of big movie news recently, here are three of the biggest stories:

The Good- Top Gun 2 put on Hold
While it is a shame that Tony Scott committed suicide after learning he had an incurable brain tumor, there might be a silver lining the the story wherein his planned sequel to Top Gun might not be made. The original Top Gun, while awesomely cheesy, was made 26 years ago. Is it really necessary to check in on our favorite homoerotic volleyball player after all this time? Of course not, and thankfully it appears that we won't have to. Honestly who wants to see a movie about someone controlling a predator drone and killing a bunch of innocent women, children or American citizens? Please Please Please don't let this garbage get made!!

Here is a link to a story about Top Gun 2:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/07/movies/tony-scotts-suicide-complicates-top-gun-3d-project.html?_r=0&_r=true

The Bad- Disney buys Lucas Films
Star Wars is a kids franchise and you know it. If you read this blog I know you are not a kid, so any news about Star Wars should automatically be bad news. The fact that Satan's Spawn aka Disney, bought all of George Lucas' intellectual property, including the Star Wars and Indiana Jones franschises, is the worst movie news in quite some time. With a purchase price of over $4 billion you know that Disney isn't just going sit on the rights by only making money off of reissuing the films in 3D. Nope Disney has already penciled in a Summer 2015 slot for Star Wars Episode 7. Apparently George Lucas already has 6 Star Wars sequels written, this combined with the insane number of books in the Star Wars universe means that The Force will be jammed down the throats of many future generations of movie goers. At least Assface Spielberg has ruled out directing any of the movies.

Here is a link to an article about "Dream Directors" for the Star Wars sequels that may make this story worse than the movie industry apocalypse that it appears to be:
http://www.hitfix.com/news/10-dream-directors-to-replace-george-lucas-on-star-wars-episode-7

The Ugly- Warner Bros. has a script for Casablanca 2
The author of the article tries to justify this not being the worst idea of all time because it was written by one screenwriters of the original. I don't care if Bogie and Bergman are resurrected from the dead this is still a TERRIBLE idea. Honestly who the fuck has the balls to step into the role of Rick Blaine, one of the most iconic film characters of all time. Here is some of the description of the dreadful sounding plot

"[Laszlo and Ilsa] attempt to locate Rick after he and Renault left to join the Free French forces opposing Rommel in North Africa. They have had no success.

After leaving Casablanca for America, Ilsa learned she was pregnant. She gave birth to a boy who grew up in America. The real father of the boy, it turns out, was not Laszlo but Rick."

Casablanca is one of the greatest films of all time and was made 70 years ago, LEAVE IT ALONE. This is a million times more unnecessary than even the Top Gun sequel. Can't Hollywood come up with Any original ideas anymore???

Here is a link to a story about Casablanca 2:
http://movies.yahoo.com/news/talkback-whos-down-casablanca-2-223134819.html

BONUS Awful Movie News:

They're considering Spinoff movies or television shows for Twilight
http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/twilight-cast-creators-hint-spinoff-183347657.html

Ashley Judd considering running for the Senate, not exactly movie news but awful news nonetheless
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/ashley-judd-future-senator-171816732--election.html

Michael Bay is replacing douchey Shia LaBouf with douchey Mark Wahlberg for the next Brainmelting Transformers movie
http://india.nydailynews.com/newsarticle/12459dcfb881837ca2cc9dcc5615d235/mark-wahlberg-to-star-in-next-transformers-movie

Cost Saving Tip

For those of you want to be film makers here is an old Hollywood cost saving tip:

If you are making a zombie film, instead of spending all that money on expensive extras, simply film your movie outside a polling place on election day. Rumor has it that's how George A Romero filmed the original Night of the Living Dead, no wonder its so horrifying!!!