Thursday, December 27, 2012

Top Trilogy Time

This Xmas I received, as presents from Santy, both Three Colors Red and The Tenant, two movies I had been looking for for years. These films were both the last movies in trilogies I had started but was unable to finish. In honor of me finally finishing these trilogies I bring you a list of the Best, and the Rest, of the trilogies I have seen.

The Best

Evil Dead- (Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn, Army of Darkness)
Strongest- Evil Dead 2- Greatest Movie of All Time 10/10
Weakest- Army of Darkness- Being the worst film in the Evil Dead series is a lot like being the dumbest person in Mensa 9/10

Samurai Trilogy- (Musashi Miyamoto, Duel at Ichijoji Temple, Duel at Ganryu Island)
-With all do respect to Samuel L Jackson and Bruce Campbell, Toshiro Mifune is without a doubt the Biggest Baddass in film history
Strongest- Duel at Ichijoji Temple- One of the single greatest fight scenes of all time wherein Miyamoto takes on the entire Yoshioka School 9.2/10
Weakest- Duel at Ganryu Island- Final showdown was a little bit of a letdown 8.4/10

Polanski's Apartment Trilogy- (Repulsion, Rosemary's Baby, The Tenant)
Strongest- Repulsion- CREEPY atmosphere 9.4/10
Weakest- Rosemary's Baby- Maude, Ruth Gordon, from Harold and Maude won the best supporting actress Oscar in a horror film, don't see that everyday 8.2/10

Three Colors- (Blue, White, Red)
-Decided to check out this trilogy by director Krzysztof Kieślowski because he is Polish, and boy am I glad I did. Great intelligent script, wonderful cinematography, they simply don't make films like this in the US.
Strongest- Blue- I LOVE Juliette Binoche, the score is almost as beautiful as the star 9.4/10
Weakest- White- This entry is more comical and less serious than the other entries in the trilogy, but is still a great story of revenge 8.6/10

The Rest

Lord of the Rings- (Fellowship of the Rings, Two Towers, Return of the King)
Strongest- Two Towers- Me like the tree people 7.5/10
Weakest- Return of the King- Literally the exact same movie as Two Towers except with an extra 2 hours of boring/pointless conclusion 6/10

Mad Max- (Mad Max, Road Warrior, Beyond Thunderdome)
Strongest- Road Warrior- Sure the Australian accents are kind of annoying and make everyone sound slightly retarded, but this film is full of non stop action from beginning to end 8.5/10
Weakest- Beyond Thunderdome- any movie that prominently features kids is most likely terrible, and this is no exception. Tina Turner added nothing to this film 2/10

Trilogy of the Dead- (Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead)
-Yes I know George A Romero has since added 3 more movies to the series, however they came out much later and are of much much lower quality than the original 3
Strongest- Dawn of the Dead- One of the greatest horror films of all time. Also has good, and extremely unsubtle social commentary 9.4/10
Weakest- Day of the Dead- Not as ground breaking or fun as the others in the trilogy but still a very effective and very gruesome horror flick 7.8/10

Star Wars- original (A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)
-Star Wars is for kids people, just admit it 
Strongest- A New Hope- Who fired first? Who Cares!! 7/10
Weakest- Return of the Jedi- Ewoks seriously? Why do grown men watch movies with Ewoks? 4/10
Bonus: Here is David Lynch talking about how George Lucas tried to recruit him to direct RotJ



Star Wars- prequels (Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith)
Strongest- Revenge of the Sith- "You were the Chosen One!!" lucky for me that is the only thing I remember about this movie 5/10
Weakest- Phantom Menace- well at least the n64 pod racing game was cool right? 3/10
Bonus: Here is the first part of the very popular Phantom Menace review





Godfather- (Godfather, Part 2, Part 3)
Greatest- Godfather- The flashbacks in part 2 are great, but the original is still the best 9.2/10
Weakest- Godfather Part 3- Everything FF Coppola made after Apocalypse Now is pretty much garbage, and sadly this was no exception 5/10

Chris Nolan's Batman- (Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Dark Knight Rises)
Greatest- The Dark Knight- Infinitely re-watchable, unfortunately the people at Reddit discovered it suffers from one of the worst plot holes of all time "The Joker calls Maggie Gyllenhaal beautiful, but she is not" 8.6/10
Weakest- Batman Begins- This film just didn't do it for me, didn't care about Bruce and certainly was not impressed by the villains 6/10


Haven't Finished Yet:

Bergman's God Trilogy (Through the Glass Darkly, Winter Light, The Silence)
Haven't Seen- Through the Glass Darkly- No excuse, Bergman is great, I should watch this soon.

Hannibal Lector- (Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal, Red Dragon)
Havne't Seen- Red Dragon- I'm a huge fan of the Michael Mann film Manhunter which is an adaptation of the book Red Dragon. I don't want Edward Norton to ruin a good story for me.

Spiderman- (1, 2 and 3)
Haven't Seen- 1 and 3- Honestly I am a huge fan of director Sam Raimi, see Evil Dead review, but Spiderman 2 is one of the biggest pieces of garbage I have ever had the unfortunate experience of watching.

Toy Story- (1, 2 and 3)
Havne't Seen- 2 and 3- the original was good when I was a kid, however as I am now over the age of 10 I will not watch the other films in this series


Haven't Started-

Mariachi Series (Mariachi, Desperado, One Upon a Time in Mexico)
- I may not have seen the films, but I have watched this video recipe from director Robert Rodriguez

Europa Trilogy- (The Element of Crime, Epidemic, Europa)
-Lars Von Trier trilogy of films, Europa won the Jury Prize at Cannes. I've been meaning to watch more LVT films once I get over how incredibly terrifying Antichrist was


Golden Heart Trilogy- ( Breaking Waves, The Idiots, Dancer in the Dark)
-Another LVT trilogy, Breaking Waves won the Grand Prix at Cannes and Dancer in the Dark won the Palm d'Or. Yea I should really check this guy out... 


Feel free to comment on my rankings and/or suggest more trilogies I need to check out...

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

10 Most Controversial Sex Scenes

Sorry for not posting much lately, and making the blog private, but I sort of have to figure out what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life so I'm a little busy. Anywho I came across this article today on WhatCulture of the most controversial sex scenes of all time. 
Here's the link: http://whatculture.com/film/10-most-controversial-sex-scenes-ever.php
Here's the rankings:
10. Crash (1996) - Masochistic Symphorophilia
9. 9 Songs - Unsimulated sex/masturbation/ejaculation
8. Kids - Casper "The Dopest Ghost" rapes chick and catches the bug
7. Irreversible - graphic rape scene
6. The Brown Bunny - unsimulated blow job, apparently the actress swallows
5. Antichrist - Willem Dafoe sex interspersed with baby falling to its death
4. Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song- director used his 13 year old sun in sex scene
3. Salo - female slave forced to eat masters shit
2. The Devils - nuns sexually assault statue of jesus
1. Cannibal Holocaust - ritualistic rape/murder

Thoughts- Many of these films were in my ranking of the most disturbing films of all time, but surprising I have not seen all of these films!!! I haven't seen numbers 9,7,6 or 2. It is a pretty good list, however I was SHOCKED that the "get the butter" buttsex scene from Last Tango in Paris did not make the list. Also, I would put Ken Park on the list over Kids, definitely Larry Clark's most controversial film. I mean a teenager eats out his girlfriends mom, how does that not make the top 10?


I MUST check this film out:
After I wrote my post about the Most Disturbing films I read about a movie that makes me believe my list was incomplete. The film is titled A Serbian Film, and judging by the description I'd say that it has a good chance at claiming the 1 spot. I will be sure to watch this awful awful film so that I can report my findings to you loyal readers.
Here's the Wikipedia plot description:
"Miloš is a semi-retired porn star and lives with his wife Marija and six-year-old son, Petar. His brother Marko is a corrupt police officer who envies Miloš' life and is attracted to Marija. Marija is curious about her husband's past and is concerned about the family’s income. Lejla, a former co-star, offers Miloš a starring role in an art film directed by Vukmir, an independent pornographer who wishes to cast Miloš for his powerful erection. Having already caught Petar watching one of his films and not informed on the details of Vukmir's film, Miloš is hesitant to participate and continue his career, but accepts to secure his family’s financial future. While meeting Vukmir, Miloš passes a bald man and his entourage, regarding them warily.Shooting begins at an orphanage, where Vukmir feeds Miloš instructions through an earpiece given by Vukmir's driver Raša, while a film crew follows him. Miloš sees young girl Jeca abused by her mother, who has disgraced her deceased war hero husband's memory by becoming a whore. In a dark room, screens show Jeca seductively eating an ice pop while Miloš is fellated by a nurse. Then, Miloš is instructed to receive it from the mother, while Jeca watches. Miloš refuses, but is forced to continue. Marko later informs him that Vukmir is a former psychologist and has worked in children's TV and state security. Vukmir meets a hesitant Miloš afterward to explain his artistic style, showing a film of a woman giving birth to a newborn which is immediately raped by Raša, in what the director terms "newborn porn." Miloš storms out and drives away. At a road junction, he is approached and seduced by Vukmir's female doctor.A bloodied Miloš wakes up in his bed some time later with no memory of what has happened. He returns to the now abandoned set and finds a number of tapes. Viewing them, Miloš discovers that he was drugged to induce an aggressive, sexually aroused and suggestible state. At Vukmir's manipulative direction, Miloš beats and rapes Jeca's mother before decapitating her to inducerigor mortis and later, a catatonic Miloš is sodomized by Vukmir's security. He then watches footage of Lejla voicing concern for Miloš, only to be restrained as her teeth are removed. A masked man then enters the room and forces his penis down her throat to kill her by suffocation. The footage continues as Miloš is led to Jeca's home where an elderly woman praises him for killing her mother and offers Jeca as a "virgin commune." Miloš refuses and escapes through a window to an alleyway, where he watches a girl pass by. He begins masturbating and is assaulted by a group of thugs before they are killed by Raša, who then takes Miloš back to a warehouse with Vukmir.At the warehouse, Vukmir's doctor administers more drugs after which Miloš overpowers her, sticking the syringe into her throat. He is then taken into a room to have intercourse with two hidden bodies under a sheet. Miloš is guided onto one body and the masked man from Lejla’s movie enters and begins raping the other. Miloš doesn't notice that his victim is bleeding profusely from therectum. Vukmir then reveals the masked man to be Marko, his victim to be Marija and finally, that Miloš is raping Petar, his own son. An enraged Miloš lunges at Vukmir and smashes his head against the floor, initiating a brawl during which Marija bludgeons Marko to death with a sculpture. Miloš wrestles a gun from a guard and shoots all but the one-eyed Raša, whom he kills by shoving his erect penis into his empty eye socket. A dying Vukmir praises Miloš' actions as truly worthy of film.Miloš, having recalled his actions, including locking his wife and son in their basement before passing out earlier, returns home to find them. He and his wife come to a mutual understanding that he, his wife, and his child, should die together, so the three gather in bed and embrace before Miloš fires a fatal shot through himself, Petar, and Marija. Sometime later a new film crew, including the bald man from earlier, enters the bedroom. He unzips his fly, as the director advises him to "start with the little one.""

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Bond 50

I will admit that as an unpopular friendless middle schooler/ high schooler I spent many a Christmas break watching Bond marathons and developed quit an affinity for the spy series. In honor of this classic franchise turning 50 here are my 3 favorite films with the english don juan

Best Bond- Sean Connery hands down

3. Goldeneye- Some may say that the best thing about this movie is the video game that it spawned, and while they certainly wouldn't be wrong, one should not discount the fact that this was a legit piece of entertaining cinema. Pierce Bronsnan's debut transports Bond into the modern age of cyber wars. Brosnan is not my favorite Bond, see above, but he def has a lot of charisma and helps carry this film. Sean Bean is a very underrated and underutilized actor in Hollywood; he plays former double 0 agent Alex Trevelyan who is a worthy adversary for Bond. While not as over the top cheesy as the Roger Moore era, Goldeneye definitely includes some over the top action sequences, most notably Bond driving a tank through the streets of St. Petersburg.
Rating: 8/10

2. Dr. No- Produced 50 years ago, this is the film that started it all. The scene where Bond is first introduced is one of the most iconic in all of cinama, does the quote "Bond, James Bond" ring a bell? Sean Connery's Bond is more vicious here than in later installments as evidenced by Bond toying with the professor before killing him. The plot is rather confusing, how does sending radio signals to disrupt the US Mercury space missions lead to world domination, and it includes many cheesy elements such as Dr. No's metal hands and a Jamaican native afraid of dragons. Nevertheless Dr. No is a very good introduction to one of the best characters and best francheses in film history. The final confrontation is a little anticlimactic, but Ursala Andress more than makes up for any disappointment caused by how easily Dr. No was defeated.
Rating: 8.5/10

Here is the clip voted the the #1 "Greatest Sexy Moment" by Channel 4:


1. Goldfinger- The quintessential Bond film. While it might not have been the first Bond film, it was the first film to include many elements that would became mainstays in the series including a memorable henchman, high tech gadgets and an original song for the opening credits. Includes one of the most memorable scenes and quotes in any Bond film in which Bond is tied to a bench with a laser slowly moving up between his legs. Auric Goldfinger is one of the best Bond villains, Oddjob is THE best Bond henchman, and this is the Best Bond film.
Rating: 9/10

Here is EASILY the greatest Bond Song of all time


And here is the Greatest Bond Quote of all time:

Bonus: My top 3 film choices also include the top 3 best Bond Girl names of all time, Xenia Onatopp,
Honey Rider and Pussy Galore respectively.

Honorable Mentions:

A View to a Kill- Sure Roger Moore at 58 was WAY too old to play a believable superspy, but who cares. Moore's Bond films weren't about having a believable plot, they were about good old fashioned cheese. With a Nazi steroid using super genius portrayed by Christopher Walken this film certainly does not fail to deliver the cheese. MayDay, a pajama wearing Amazon woman, is one of the more memorable henchmen in the series. The final showdown on top of the GoldenGate bridge pretty much sums up the Moore Years.
Bonus: The Bond Girl is Donna's mom in that 70's show 7/10

Johnny English Reborn- For some reason I watched this ridiculously unnecessary sequel to another boring Bond parody and have to say the only redeemable thing about the whole film is that McNulty from The Wire uses his real English accent. But def check it out!!! 4/10

You Only Move Twice- Simpson's episode that sort of parodies the Bond Series. Hank Scorpio is def the best super villain of all time. One of the best Simpsons episodes. 9.5/10


Bonus Review:
Elephant- If you really like the Columbine shooting, and simply can't get enough of watching teenagers die, then this is the film for you. This film won the Palm d'Or in 2003 which is why I decided to check it out. Although it is well made with an interesting style and original camera work, I'm not sure it's worthy of the biggest movie prize in the world. I recently watched a documentary about Bill Hicks and one of the murderers looks exactly like a young Bill. The entire time I could not help but wonder why one of the greatest comics of all time wanted to kill all those students, it was very confusing. Also, are there really that many bulimic girls in high school? I always thought that was overblown, and the inclusion of it in this film just lessened the reality of the situation for me. This film is like Ali: Fear Eats the Soul, while it is well made, I certainly can't suggest it to any readers unless they have a strange interest in the subject matter.
Rating: 8/10

Friday, November 9, 2012

The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

There has been a lot of big movie news recently, here are three of the biggest stories:

The Good- Top Gun 2 put on Hold
While it is a shame that Tony Scott committed suicide after learning he had an incurable brain tumor, there might be a silver lining the the story wherein his planned sequel to Top Gun might not be made. The original Top Gun, while awesomely cheesy, was made 26 years ago. Is it really necessary to check in on our favorite homoerotic volleyball player after all this time? Of course not, and thankfully it appears that we won't have to. Honestly who wants to see a movie about someone controlling a predator drone and killing a bunch of innocent women, children or American citizens? Please Please Please don't let this garbage get made!!

Here is a link to a story about Top Gun 2:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/07/movies/tony-scotts-suicide-complicates-top-gun-3d-project.html?_r=0&_r=true

The Bad- Disney buys Lucas Films
Star Wars is a kids franchise and you know it. If you read this blog I know you are not a kid, so any news about Star Wars should automatically be bad news. The fact that Satan's Spawn aka Disney, bought all of George Lucas' intellectual property, including the Star Wars and Indiana Jones franschises, is the worst movie news in quite some time. With a purchase price of over $4 billion you know that Disney isn't just going sit on the rights by only making money off of reissuing the films in 3D. Nope Disney has already penciled in a Summer 2015 slot for Star Wars Episode 7. Apparently George Lucas already has 6 Star Wars sequels written, this combined with the insane number of books in the Star Wars universe means that The Force will be jammed down the throats of many future generations of movie goers. At least Assface Spielberg has ruled out directing any of the movies.

Here is a link to an article about "Dream Directors" for the Star Wars sequels that may make this story worse than the movie industry apocalypse that it appears to be:
http://www.hitfix.com/news/10-dream-directors-to-replace-george-lucas-on-star-wars-episode-7

The Ugly- Warner Bros. has a script for Casablanca 2
The author of the article tries to justify this not being the worst idea of all time because it was written by one screenwriters of the original. I don't care if Bogie and Bergman are resurrected from the dead this is still a TERRIBLE idea. Honestly who the fuck has the balls to step into the role of Rick Blaine, one of the most iconic film characters of all time. Here is some of the description of the dreadful sounding plot


"[Laszlo and Ilsa] attempt to locate Rick after he and Renault left to join the Free French forces opposing Rommel in North Africa. They have had no success.
After leaving Casablanca for America, Ilsa learned she was pregnant. She gave birth to a boy who grew up in America. The real father of the boy, it turns out, was not Laszlo but Rick."


Casablanca is one of the greatest films of all time and was made 70 years ago, LEAVE IT ALONE. This is a million times more unnecessary than even the Top Gun sequel. Can't Hollywood come up with Any original ideas anymore???

Here is a link to a story about Casablanca 2:
http://movies.yahoo.com/news/talkback-whos-down-casablanca-2-223134819.html

BONUS Awful Movie News:

They're considering Spinoff movies or television shows for Twilight
http://movies.yahoo.com/blogs/movie-talk/twilight-cast-creators-hint-spinoff-183347657.html

Ashley Judd considering running for the Senate, not exactly movie news but awful news nonetheless
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/ashley-judd-future-senator-171816732--election.html

Michael Bay is replacing douchey Shia LaBouf with douchey Mark Wahlberg for the next Brainmelting Transformers movie
http://india.nydailynews.com/newsarticle/12459dcfb881837ca2cc9dcc5615d235/mark-wahlberg-to-star-in-next-transformers-movie


Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Cost Saving Tip

For those of you want to be film makers here is an old Hollywood cost saving tip:

If you are making a zombie film, instead of spending all that money on expensive extras, simply film your movie outside a polling place on election day. Rumor has it that's how George A Romero filmed the original Night of the Living Dead, no wonder its so horrifying!!!




Thursday, November 1, 2012

Top 10 Most Disturbing Films

I decided to make this list in honor of Halloween having just passed. I realize it is not too extensive as I have not seen every movie ever made, however this is the ranking of the top 10 most disturbing films I have seen. Since these are disturbing films I decided to forgo my usual practice of supplying clips from the films. Also, I did not include any Documentaries because the real world is a million times more disturbing than anything some pothead Hollywood screen writer can come up with.

10. Eraserhead- If the idea of bringing a child into this fucked up world isn't already disturbing enough to you, then watch this debut film by David Lynch. Set in a industrial wasteland, the main character is left by his girlfriend and given their deformed child to raise. The film includes many surreal and disturbing images that would later become a trademark for Lynch. 
Bonus Knowledge: Do to financial issues Eraserhead took 5 years to film, so the main actor had to have his character's awful haircut the entire time

9. A Clockwork Orange- While the rape and murder scenes are certainly not for the faint of heart, they are not why A Clockwork Orange is on this list. No, the reason ACO is on this list is the Ludoviko treatment. In the film the main protagonist, Alex, is the leader of a gang of murderers and rapists. After getting caught and convicted of murder he is sent to prison. Instead of serving his full term Alex decides to become a patient in a new procedure that is supposed to "cure" criminals of their bad behavior. The Ludoviko treatment includes viewing a series of movie clips combined with drugs. After the treatment is over Alex is unable to think about criminal acts without becoming physically sick. It is this idea that the government can control your thoughts that makes A Clockwork Orange such a disturbing film. Of course with the fluoridation of the water supply, forced  institutionalization of any citizens the government deems "crazy", and the insane over prescription of adderall to children sort of makes the Ludoviko treatment unnecessary. 

8. Requiem for a Dream- In the words of Mr. Mackey, "Drugs are Bad Mmmkay." Too bad the characters in this film did not listen to the South Park elementary school counselor, it would have saved them from a lot of bad times. The film begins very optimistically, a budding new romance, profitable drug business and the mom thinks shes gonna appear on a tv show. Unfortunately the drug business turns bad, the lovers become addicted to heroin and the mother becomes addicted to diet pills aka amphetamine in order to lose weight for her tv appearance. The film ends with the four main characters in different yet equally depressing situations. The mother is committed to a Psych ward. The partner is withdrawaling from heroin around racist prison guards. The girlfriend has become a prostitute in order to obtain drugs, anyone who has seen this film will always remember the line "Ass to Ass". The main character has his arm cut off due to continually shoot up into an infected wound. A very well made but extremely depressing film.

7. Salò, or the 120 Days of Sodom- After hearing that the director was murdered, apparently because he made this film, I of course knew I would eventually end up watching it. The film revolves around a group of fascist libertines in 1944 Italy who kidnap a group of teenage boys and girls and forces them to do gross sex acts. The film is apparently supposed to prove the saying, "absolute power corrupts absolutely", but in reality is just gross. The film includes lots of naked young people being lead around with leashes and doing gross, mostly homosexual, sex acts. It also includes an infamous scene wherein they have an extravagant dinner party in which they only serve shit. The movie concludes with the fascists brutally murdering the teenagers. When first released this film was met with public outrage, but has since received much acclaim. I'm not sure what modern critics seen in this film, I personally thought i had zero artistic merit and was literally a piece of shit.

6. Martyrs/Inside- Examples of the New French Extremity movement. Both of these films are absolutely relentless in their constant depiction of gore. The first film Martyrs is about a group that seeks to discover the secret of the afterlife through creating martyrs. In order to create martyrs they imprison women and then relentlessly torture them including beatings, cuttings and eventually flayed alive. Inside is about a pregnant woman who is confronted/stalked by a mysterious stranger who very much would like to get a hold of her baby. If you are afraid of needles or hate seeing people stabbed with various objects then avoid this film. If however you enjoy non stop stabbings and would love to see a C-section performed by a non medical specialist this is the film for you. Needless to say, I probably won't be watching any other films from the New French Extremity movement.

5. Last House on the Left- One of the most famous exploitation films of all time. Essentially a remake of the Bergman film The Virgin Spring, only relocated from the middle ages to 1970s America. As hard as it is to believe I actually prefer this film to Bergman's original. The story is about two teenage girls who are kidnapped by a  petty criminals and then physically/psychologically tortured and killed. Like the original, the killers then mistakenly go to the home of one of the victims parents seeking a place to stay for the night. The film then focuses on the parents revenge against the killers. One of the most brutal films ever made, the graphic tortures and murders certainly will stick with you.
Bonus Knowledge: Had one of the most famous taglines of all time-- 
To avoid fainting, keep repeating: "It's only a movie, only a movie, only a movie..."

4. Antichrist- Danish director Lars Von Trier is probably the most acclaimed director working today so I knew I had to eventually check out his film's; I dare say I chose the wrong film to get started with. Antichrist was LVT's first film after a multi-year absence from directing due to severe depression, and it shows. In the opening scene a couple has passionate sex completely unaware that their child has escaped from his crib eventually falling out a window to his death. After the tragedy the husband, a trained psychotherapist, takes his wife to a cabin in the woods to try to treat her depression and guilt. Having your child die while you have sex is bound to mess with your sex life, but I was not expecting this. Obviously the film leads into sadomasochism and then even worse genital mutilation. If you watch just one film wherein Willem Defoe gets hit in the balls with a log and then ejaculates blood, I suggest you make it this one.
Note: Apparently body doubles were used for the sexually graphic scenes, so you readers with the Willem fetish may have to look elsewhere.


3. Isla She Wolf of the SS- So the story goes that I watched a documentary on Netflix about grindhouse/exploitation movies of the 70s and decided to check some out. This was one of the most infamous films from that era so I decided to ask for it for Xmas. Well on Xmas my brother decides to tell my parents how hard it was to find this film because they aren't allowed to sell the film in the US and thus he had to have it shipped from South Korea. If that weren't bad enough my brother decides to watch the film on Xmas, and then proceed to tell my entire family how mentally disturbed he thinks I must be.

The plot of the film is about a man hating female Nazi storm trooper who conducts experiments on prisoners in order to prove that women are more capable of enduring pain than are men. Yes that is seriously the plot. The film begins with Ilsa chopping a prisoners dick off and then torturing him while he bleed to death. The film just gets more disturbing from there. I used to jokingly put this on at my house when I got home from a night of drinking. After a while a roommate stole it and threw it away. Probably for the best.

2. Ken Park- By the famous creative team of director Larry Clark and writer Harmony Korine, you might know these two from their film Kids, Ken Park is another one of those films that was surprisingly never released in the US. This "film" begins with the titular character skateboarding to a park, setting up a camera, smiling into said camera and then blowing his brains out. In typical Larry Clark fashion the movie is more focused on filming teenage boys shirtless than plot or artistic merit. The film is literally a porno without the good acting and interesting plot most pornos are known for. The fact that I have seen every Larry Clark film is truly embarrassing.
Here are some of the things that occur in this film:
  • Teenage Boy has sex with girlfriends mom
  • Autoerotic Asphyxiation 
  • Boys dad tries to drunkenly give his son a blowjob
  • Girl is forced to marry her dad
  • Boy stabs his grandparents to death
  • Big orgy at the end

1. Cannibal Holocaust- Cannibal Holocaust follows an anthropologist who goes to the amazon jungle in search of a documentary crew that planned to film cannibalistic tribes but never returned. The professor learns that the tribes killed the film crew and is able to recover their documentary footage. The film then transitions to the professor and the production company watching the footage and discovering why the crew was killed. The footage shows in graphic and extremely realistic detail how the crew members shot the tribe members, burned their villages and eventually raped and killed a female member. The tribe doesn't take to kindly to the murder of the female member and then proceed to gruesomely murder the crew.
  
What truly separates Cannibal Holocaust from the likes of Ken Park, Isla or Saló is that this film is very very well made. Director Ruggero Deadato uses a style of directing he learned called, Cinéma vérité or truthfull cinema, that gives the film an incredibly realistic documentary type feel. How realistic is it? Well the director was arrested and charged with murder because the Italian government was convinced the found footage segment of Cannibal Holocaust depicted real life rapes and murders. The director was not found innocent until he was able to produce the actors alive in court. It is because of the realism of the deplorable acts in this film, combined with all the naked people, that makes this the most disturbing film I have ever seen.

Bonus: There were no special effects used in the deaths of the animals in this film, they were al actually killed. FUCK peta


Other Noteworthy Films:
  • The Brood- Body horror classic by horror master David Cronenberg. Another film that will disturb any future parents
  • Caligula- After about an hour of watching this film, which included an orgy scene with women apparently humping spears, my roommate forced me to turn this film off and then chastised me.
  • Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer- Very disturbing, very realistic look at two of the most infamous serial killers in US history. Low budget, good performances. The scenes involving the video camera are quite interesting.
  • Kids- A nice uplifting film about kids using drugs, beating kids with skateboards and spreading HIV to eachother
  • Marathon Man- The dental torture scenes is one of the hardest scenes to watch ever made. "Is it safe?"
  • Seventh Continent- In my top 10 films of the 80's. Psychologically disturbing film of a family that decides to destroy all their possessions and kill themselves, including their daughter. 
  • Teeth- When the U of M media library did not have a movie that my roommate wanted to rent, the librarian recommended this movie based off of our other rentals; I've never been so proud. This film can be summed up by one line, "Vagina Dentata!!!!"

Any suggestions for disturbing films I need to check out??? 

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Recent Movie Reviews

Amityville Horror II: The Possession- I was inspired to watch this film when I discovered this description of it on Sound on Sight "It has all the subtlety and grace of a jackhammer hitting a gas line and exploding into a fireball of sex, gore, incest, asshole fathers, holy-roller mothers, snarky demons, and homicidal kids. And this is meant in the most endearing way possible". This film certainly fits that description well and far surpassed my high expectations. Literally every horror movie and haunted house cliche is on display during the first half of the film. The asshole father is portrayed by Burt Young, Rocky's friend Paulie, in a role he was born to play. The incest scene is one of the truly strangest and unnecessary scenes in any horror movie ever. Unfortunately the absolutely hilarious over the top haunted house first half transitions into the less funny Exorcism second half. Amityville 2 does nothing to further the demonic possession subgenre, and is literally just a rehash of The Exorcist with a more campy tone. While the second half is rather disappointing, the awesome over the top cheesiness of the second half more than makes up for it. I would give this film an 8/10

On a different note, why is it always the Catholic church that is called upon to perform an exorcism? Have they even tried other options? I mean what if the demon within the child gets its strength from tainted pork, wouldn't a Rabbi be a better choice? And you can't convince me that a few hours with a Snake Handler Pentecostal priest wouldn't straighten out an unruly demon more efficiently than some holy water and rosaries. Nah but it has to be the Catholic church because no other group of people is dumb enough to believe in foolishness like demonic possession.

The entire film is available on Youtube, however it's too big to put the whole thing on this blog so here's part 1. If you're into cheesy horror I would advise you to at least check out the first half.


Brother From Another Planet- The title of this film pretty much sums up the entire plot. It is about an alien slave, who besides his 3 toed feet and detachable eye just happens to look exactly like a black human, that crash lands on Ellis Island. The alien eventually ends up in Harlem and as the saying goes "hilarity ensues". The alien is mute so most of the humor of the film is based around his inability to talk and his incomprehension of black culture. The funniest parts of the film are when the white alien bounty hunters go to Harlem to try to recapture the black alien. While the film contains some genuinely funny scenes, it becomes repetitive towards the end. The film is overly long and also suffers from a completely unnecessary and extremely heavy handed anti-drug message. Nevertheless it was an above average movie and worth a watch it you can find it. 6/10

Scream, Blacula, Scream- Unable to decide between watching a horror film or a blaxplointation film, I decided to compromise and try to find a combination of the two. I was disappointed that I was unable to find the most famous example of this combination, Blacula. However Netflix had this sequel to it. I will admit that I have never seen the 30's version of Dracula with Bella Legosi, so I don't know if this is an attempt to adapt that story into black culture, but I highly doubt it is. The plot is very simple, and stupid, the leader of a voodoo cult dies and the group selects a female member as the next leader instead of an ambitious male member. Feeling scorned the male member resurrects Blacula to take revenge on the group, but Blacula instead tries to use the voodoo group to cure his undead curse. This film is easily the least scary vampire film I have ever seen, and unfortunately isn't even bad enough to be funny. Worse yet it includes none of the features that make blaxploitation films great, mainly no hatred for the white man, no cool black lingo and no over the top fight scenes. If you want to watch a blaxplointation film stick to the original and still greatest Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song. If you want horror you'll find scarier stuff in childrens cartoons. 3/10